Maldita.

I understand. As much as I want not to, I do. That's why I don't hate you, because if I didn't, I should have hated you. We have different priorities, and as I can see it, I'm not part of yours. Maybe I am, but I think you have a long list and I'm in the last number. Again, I understand. But sometimes, it just scares me. The fear of rejection sinks in again. Yeah, you're not rejecting me. But unconsciously you are. So don't wonder if I chose to spend more time with my friends. It's not that I don't love you but it's because I feel more welcomed when I'm with them (and I know you feel the same way too with your friends). So where do I stand? Nowhere, because I am sitting. Lolz. I understand (and sometimes, I hate that I do.)

And like you, I'm busy. I'm busy making a good career that would be my stepping stone for my future. Oh yes, this will not pay me a lot for now but wait and see. As long as I can, I will hold on to the thin thread that's keeping us together. But honestly, sometimes I feel that I'm already drifting apart, you're walking away too fast that's pulling the thread farther, making it vulnerable. I'm happy because you are happy, but there were times when I wish that I am a part of your happiness. I know I WAS. Sadly, it was in the past.

Sorry but I won't reach out this time. Maldita. I need to protect myself. (ohh pride, I can see you everywhere. Tsk.) I am longing for you but I can't feel any of you. You're too far and I can't reach you. And I think it's enough for me for now that I know that somehow, somewhere in your past, I gave you the sense of fulfillment that no other could give you. I love you, but my love is not perfect. And like what I always do, I'll stand right here where you left me. No pressure, I am not waiting. I'll stand until I know where to go.

Random

• When the tank is full, where do you think the water will go? – waste.
  
• If the door is locked, no one can enter. – unless someone initiates to find the lock then open the door.
  
• Walking in the park alone is a good therapy. – loner? so what?
  
• Hopping from one mall to another just to reach the van station. –tiring. Malls are filled with too many preoccupied people who always think of money. Tsk.
  
• Pride is something you can't swallow, but you can teach others to chew. :)) (evil grin) – you can chop pride into pieces then allow others to chew it, too evil. Tsk.
  
• How to win the LOTTO Jackpot? – dream of the right combination, then buy your own lotto ticket. O_o
  
• If there's nothing new and everything is old, - invent new things. Be like Einstein for a day.
  
• Astronaut. Outer Space.
  
• When people hide, look for them. –maybe they want to play hide and seek. *(n_n)*
  
• Money. Salary. Job. NEW friends. Busy Season. GREEN PARKS. ^_^
  
• The one. Coming soon in theatres near you.
  
• Non-showbiz, or a rising star may do. Showbiz people are toxic. Gossips will be forever all around. Tsk.
  
• Wish list!!!
  
  • BIBLE.
    
  • GLOBE LINE.
    

• Patience. Understanding. Tantrums. Boom. Deadz. Tsk.
  
• Bed. Pillow. Sleep.
  

 

Sweetest night to you my blog reader. ^_^

I Miss. :(

They say that blogs are for lonely people. And now it got me thinking, am I really lonely? Or I just chose not to tell someone? So why am I blogging it now? I know for a fact that only few people follow and read my blogs. And somehow, this gives me an opportunity to write about how I feel semi-privately.


I don't know why I feel this. Or maybe I do. Minsan talaga, gusto ko itanggi sa sarili ko ang mga bagay na alam ko namang un ang sagot. Crazy keren. Tsk. I am blessed. I know I am and I feel that I am. I am blessed to have a job right after passing the board exams. I am blessed to meet new people and have new friends. I am blessed because I have people around me who see me as their "ate" and heed for my advice. I am blessed with the empowered LOJ-Youth in Feast Manila Bay. I am blessed to be living my life now. I am blessed. They're so much I need to thank God for. I am grateful and I'm happy.

But. I miss…
my SBC friends. SGV is new for me. It is a blessing but sometimes, I feel lonely. Naiinggit ako sa iba kong mga kaofficemates na kasama pa din ang barkada at classmates nila hanggang sa trabaho. Sabay sabay pa rin sila kumakain at palaging nagsasama-sama kapag break. I am friendly. Pero iba kasi sila. Ang hirap sumingit sa ganun. Parang ang dami nilang pinag-uusapan na hindi mo naman alam. Ok lang naman. Pero nakakainggit na may ganun sila. Nakakainggit na may mga kaibigan sila na pwede nilang samahan. Siguro mas namiss ko lang sila nung nakita ko sila nung Friday.


my hs friends. Ever since I started college, I was often the MIA in events. Kahit ung simpleng tambay nga lang, wala ako. Tapos ngayong dapat nagpapakita ako sa kanila, hindi ko pa din magawa. A part of me is somehow scared. Since ang tagal ko na silang hindi nakakasama, parang ang dami ng bago sa kanila na hindi ako basta basta makakarelate. Palagi silang magkakasama, parang mas lumalim na ung samahan nila tapos ako, ganun pa din. Namimiss ko na sila. Pero natatakot din ako na baka pag nakasama ko sila, ma-op ako. Pag nakikita ko mga pictures nila, gusto ko sabihin sa sarili ko na sana andun din ako, na kaclose ko yang mga yan. Pero ngayon, ewan ko ba. It seems like they're different and I'm still stuck with my old self. Well, I love myself and I love who I am. But too bad, it seems like my old self is scared facing the new them.

XJs and my beda "boyfriends". We don't go out often but I miss talking with you. Ung samahan natin, parang hs. Namimiss ko na ung chismisan pag break at pagpapanggap na nag-aaral pero daldalan naman. Namimiss ko tuloy ung review moments. At least dun, kahit papano nakikita ko kayo. Nakakakwentuhan ko kayo. Nakakasama ko kayo. Pero ngayon, wala. I just feel so lonely. Siguro kasi nakikita ko ung iba na kahit papano magkakasama pa din sila. Sila marvin, pwedeng kasama si ekang and lyssa. Si ate ranzel and Darrel magkasama. Sila romeo, crisvi and ate joy. Ako, eto, mag-isa lang. My work is a blessing. Pero nakakamiss. :(

my old CG. I know I have to move on and handle my own CG. But I miss having a mother CG with the youth. Ung member ka lang din. I miss being with my old CG, our monthly meetings and our long talks. They've been a big part of me for the past months and sometimes, I feel that something's missing in me kasi wala na sila. Alam kong pwede ko pa rin naman silang takbuhan. Pero namimiss ko lang talaga na nakakasama sila.


 
my CFs. I miss our long talks and our three way conversations. I miss having you around and disturbing you anytime of the day just to tell a story. I miss talking to both of you. I miss us three. I miss our chismisan. :(


 
Qb. I miss talking to you and I miss you. Ang layo na natin sa isa't isa. Namimiss ko ng kwentuhan ka at itext ka sa mga bagay bagay na nangyayari sa 'kin. Namiss ko na din makwentuhan mo. Some things may not remain the same for now but I really hope that we could catch up soon. Namimiss ko na bestfriend ko. :(


 
my Family Loves. Kanina ko narealize kung gaano na ako kalayo sa inyo. Wala na akong nakakasama sa inyo maliban kay jem. Wala pang nakakausap. Tapos magkakacg pa kayo. Makita ko man kayo sa feast manila, hindi ko naman kayo nakakawentuhan. Hindi naman ako makapuntang pasig dahil sa PICC. Kanina ko narealize na parang ang layo ko na sa inyo. Na oo alam ko namang love niyo ako pero nalulungkot ako kasi wala na akong nakakasama o kahit nakakakwentuhan man lang sa inyo. Buti nga si jem, kahit papano cg niya pa din si daddy pao. Pupunta siya ng pasig tapos ako hindi makakasama. Alam ko naman maraming blessings pero nakakamiss lang. At naiinggit ako. Parang ang dami ng nangyayari na magkakasama kayo tapos ako wala na naman. Nasanay lang din siguro ako na madalas ko kayong nakakasama dati kaya ganito. Tapos hindi ko pa kayo matext. Hindi ako makapaggm. Eh naiintindihan ko naman kung bakit di niyo ako matext. :( nalulungkot lang ako. (at ngayon umiiyak na. haha) pero parang nung kanina, nung nakita kong magkakasama kayo hanggang after ng dance tapos ako hindi naman makakasama, hay nalulungkot ako. :((


 
my Family. First week pa lang sa trabaho, nakikita ko lang sila pag tulog pa sila. Nung isang araw ko lang narealize na hindi ko na sila masyadong nakakausap. Alam ko masaya para sa 'kin si papa at ate pero hindi ko na sila nakakasama. Feeling ko minsan, nasa dorm pa din ako. Si jem pa din ung madalas kong kasama. Eh si papa, busy sa iba. Tapos for sure si ate, magiging busy kay Jerome pagbalik niya. Tapos ako, palaging pagod pag-uwi. Hay. Nalulungkot ako. :((


 
This sad blog has to end, and it ends now.

Faith (A Testimony of a Bedan CPA)

Faith, something that one cannot see, smell, hear, or touch yet something so powerful that only one's heart could explain.

 

To our administrators, guests, JPIA officers, my fellow Bedans and to our new Bedan CPAs, a pleasant evening to all of you.

 

I was an average accounting student in college. I was a transferee from another school because I failed my qualifying exams. Luckily, San Beda accepted me. I don't usually get high grades in recitations and exams. I even got several 5s in my transcript. Even during the review, I remained to be in the average. I ranked low during our preboard exams. I even guessed (I shaded letter "a" for about 10 numbers due to lack of time) in the MAS board exam. I should have been rattled, I should have lost hope, but I didn't. Why? Because of one thing, FAITH.

 

It was said that "everything is possible for those who believe". And for the past four years, I've been living in faith that I'll become a CPA on October 2010. I've carried this faith all throughout my college life in San Beda and even during the review. It wasn't easy. There were times that I wanted to give up. But that faith in my heart keeps on burning and always refocuses my mind that my thoughts will become my reality and my faith will save me. I would always find myself praying and telling God that "Lord, if this is not Your will, You will not let any of these to happen. But since You did, I know that this is Yours and You will never let go of me and I'm claiming victory in Your Name". My faith gave me confidence. It reassured me that I shouldn't doubt nor fear. And because God is faithful, I am here in front of you, giving my speech in my 8th Testimonial dinner, the one that I've been dreaming to attend ever since I became a JPIA officer, my very own Testimonial Dinner.

 

To our younger brothers and sisters who are still fighting for their survival in the program, NEVER LOSE HOPE. You may have failed several times already but who cares? All you need to do is to stand up, compose yourself, focus your mind on your ultimate dream and never allow that brief period in your life to define who you are. You are bigger than your circumstance, you are greater than your situation, you might have gone through something but you are not what you've gone through, don't let it stick to you. Just keep on moving forward because GOD HAS A PLAN IN YOUR LIFE. More than 95% of our batch graduated with a grade of 5 in our transcripts, but look at where we are now. The program may let you suffer but let San Beda become your training ground. Hindi madaling humabol sa review at mahirap yung first view. Variances almost killed us. Just let your professors train you and give you a taste of "hell". After all, everything that you've worked hard for will pay off. And always keep in mind your greatest sufferings will become your greatest blessings.

 

To our dearest professors, your living by example, guidance and resilience have given us so much inspiration to serve others too without conditions. Your devotion to your noble task has made us realize that there is no other way to love but to work with dedication. Thank you for patiently teaching us and for also failing us. We'll be forever grateful to you for helping us achieve our dreams and you'll always be remembered.

 

To JPIA, thank you for making one of the dreams of a person who have attended 7 testimonial dinners and organized 6 come true. Thank you for all the support during our board exams (special mention to our boardops chair, Coline Sapon, for lending your jacket). You'll never really understand the feeling of having someone deliver your lunch to you, taking away the hassle of going out and long lines during lunch breaks, until you yourself is the examinee.

 

To my dearest batchmates, I know this is late, but allow me to congratulate each one of you for a job well done. Finally, the dream that we have worked hard for four years (or five or six for some) already paid off. Thank you for being my heaven in the midst of hell. I am proud that I belong to this batch. A batch of generous individuals who selflessly shares their handouts and makes it a point that there's a copy left in the photocopying center for anyone who needs it; a batch who may have different barkadas but still manages to be close and be one both in happy and difficult times; a batch who survived two dantes plus one manuel in a semester; a batch who loves surprise parties and dating games; a batch with excellent women basketball players, our "dakilang taga-gm" Roger Ramos and our generous topnotcher, Marvin Martija; but most of all, a batch who knows what Bedan Brotherhood really means. We did it batchmates! We made San Beda proud! :) And as we enter the corporate world, we now have a bigger responsibility as we pay our taxes for the first time. Let our little steps create bigger ripples going toward successes just like what we have all obtained. I wish only the best for each one of us as we let them see what Bedan CPAs are made of.

 

This success is not mine. It is His. He intentionally put road blocks along my way so that I would learn to enjoy and live each day. Truly, in all things He works for good to all those who loved Him. To the One who made all of these possible, my thank you's will never be enough. But allow me to be a living testimony of your goodness and grace. Thank you for leading me where I am now. That in all things may You be glorified!

 

Thank you ladies and gentlemen. And good evening.

Fear.

It was my fourth time to lose my phone and the second time to experience my phone being snatched last Saturday. And I can't believe that I'm in this position again. I am ok. I know I am ok. But I just can't help myself not being scared every time the exact incident flashes back in my mind. Oh yes, it is like my favorite scene in a romantic movie that stops me then fills up my mind, the only difference is, it frightens me.

I am not angry to the kid who snatched my phone. It's just that he now officially made me scared even to street kids. :(

E-mail

This email made my day. WOW. God blessed me with a very loving and supportive family. :) Thank you Daddy! I love you lots! ^_^

 

Hi Beloved Keren!

Are you already SGV-bound?

Congratulations uli!  Walang kataposang 'high' kami lahat sa sobrang proud sa'yo,  hehe… akalain mo CPA ka na ngayon! Nakakagulat how time flies, kasi parang kahapon lang yun na nag-skul hunting tayo (UST, San Beda) after you decided to leave LaSalle to follow your dream to become a CPA.  I remember, medyo tulala ka pa nun but I'm thankful to the Divine providence na nagkataon naman na nakabakasyon ako para samahan ka.  Sabagay, kung di ka lumipat ng skul ay graduate ka na din naman sana ngayon sa La Salle sa course na  FINANCE… pero in hindsight, which do you prefer ba – to graduate in an ordinary non-board course, or to pursue Accounting and become a CPA?  At that young age, you made your fateful decision to leave behind a fancy school and now, you reap your rewards and the credit are all yours!

Alam ko sa juncture ng buhay mo ngayon, guidance is very crucial for you to have a clear way ahead.  So, I will give you some unsolicited advice… xenxa na di ko mapigilan magbigay ng maliit na advice just to make sure you have a little headstart  on the options available to you and provide general direction in life.

 
 

Your First Job

You've got only one job for your first job.   Isa lang ang option mo sa bagay na ito – that is to be an Auditor in a reputable Audit Firm.  Wala ka ng ibang dapat i-consider na first job mo… kahit alukin ka pa ng supervisory o managerial job kaagad sa ibang kumpanya, doon ka pa rin sa pagiging simple Auditor.  Why?  Because that's what you studied during the last 4 years.  You are adding building blocks to those 4 years and to your new title as CPA.  The height you can reach in the future,  the price you can command and the limitless choices of jobs available to you down the road depends a lot on how 'faithful' you have been on building those blocks.  Na-mention mo ang Punongbayan at SGV… go go go ka na kahit alin dun. 

How long should you stay being an Auditor?  Around 5 years plus (2-3 years hilaw pa yun), depending on the 6^th year onwards when you feel the next job offer is irresistible already and 'reason enough' to jump.  Don't worry, when that time comes, you will definitely know it.  By that time, you would probably reach as far as Sr. Audit Supervisor or any other position short of being an Audit Manager.  If you become a Manager (in an SGV-like firm), probably you belong to a select few destined to overstay their audit life and maybe groomed to be a Partner someday.  Not that I underestimate you but this is a long shot given only to a few mortals, na-mention ko lang to give you a bird's eye view.

But for most of the many ordinary-mortal-auditors, 5 years plus stay in the audit firm are enough to mature and know everything there is to know.  Also, na-handle mo na rin by that time ang iba-ibang clients na  mga malalaking kumpanya.  Your clients (belonging to different businesses – Manufacturing, Financial Institutions, Services, etc.) will be your future jumping board.  That early, have an eye kung saan ka hiyang at magiging happy balang araw na mamasukan.   Pagdating ng time na yun, around 28 years old ka na siguro at ready to jump ship.  Imagine yourself being a Manager or Comptroller to any of the big companies that you see around you now.  Yup!  Come that time, marketable ka na kahit alin sa mga kumpanya na pipiliin mo, lahat yun puwede ka na at the managerial level pataas.  And the irony of it all, they will be the one's chasing you. 

You can put some variations on this… just like your Tita Ayeng did, pag hindi mo nagustohan mga audit assignments mo (kunyari, na-assign ka lang palagi sa mga 3^rd or 2^nd liner companies na io-audit), have an eye to jump to another audit firm who can give you the 1^st class companies for your audit assignments.  Magiging maganda pa rin bio-data mo kasi tangay mo na ang pangalan ng SGV plus kasunod ang isa pang audit firm… the point is approximately 5 years pa rin ang target stay mo sa mga audit firm sa kabuuan.

Remember, your first job will define the remaining jobs you will have for the rest of your life… "so, your first job should be thatone job which is the right job"… haha that's may special orig phrase just for you!

 
 

Create your Edge

Being a CPA does not make you special already.  Huhu sorry pamangkin for this quick reality check.  Mahigit kayo 3,700 na pumasa ngayon, many thousand more will pass next exams and there are another hundred thousand more who passed years before you.    Sa madaling salita, you're just one among many.  That's why you have to create your own edge among the many. Sa SGV, they will create your  edge in the area of your profession - marami kang audit training dun, self development training, career development, etc..  But you will undergo all these together with many other CPAs like you, so tabla-tabla pa din kayo ng alam… wala ka pa ring malinaw na edge.

The point I would suggest to you is find that 'edge' that would set you apart and give you an advantage over the others.  This is usually some personal skills that you develop 'outside' of your work, but related.  Madami ka puwede maisip na side activities that would interest you like perfecting certain hobbies na puede maging negosyo balang araw, pursuing specialized skills to support your core know-how tulad ng pagiging techie (learn for example web design skills, di lang puro facebook) halimbawa baka kunyari maisipan mo magkaroon ka ng website na consultancy balang araw, etc.  Another worthwhile side activities you can do is learning and doing 'stocks' – learn about listed companies, its stock price, when to buy/sell, its support & resistances, how to make fundamental  & technical analysis, etc.  Since 2006, the ticker tape (streaming price quotes from PSE) mesmerized me, I have to wake up  every day  at 4:00 a.m. just to watch it, nagka-eyebug na tuloy ako.  I've started late on this activity and there is one wish since then that I always have - that someday one of my pamangkins will pick up the interest on this and elevate their generation to a new level of financial literacy (kayong 2 ni Pre-pre and may potential na manguna dito).   I firmly believe, this is one BIG way forward para sa generation ninyo.

Let's conjure a future scenario like this:  the new generation of Mallari-Canete-Rasona clan sitting over coffee discussing the latest about the stock market, what stocks they're holding, the stocks they bought and sold and comparing their stock portfolios.  Di ba cool?  During our time, we can talk only as far as Savings Account deposit and even very little about Time Deposits.  But during your time, you can be discussing things of a higher level.    Kung sa panahon ng mga lola mo ay mga magsasaka lang, sa panahon ng mga parents mo ay ordinary office/ workers lang…  sana sa panahon naman ninyo ay to da next level na kayo.

The edge you make is not really to outdo others… but to equip yourself  to do more for others.

 
 

Have an Eye to Set up Your Own Practice

Your generation have the advantage compared to ours.  Lesser na ang baggage ninyo sa buhay.  Kami noon ay nag start sa negative,  pre-occupied with finding money to have food on the table.  Kayo ngayon di na masyado, more or less nasa positive na starting position ninyo.  This translates to more freedom on your part to do other things and experiment.

One good experiment is the idea of setting up your own practice down the road.  Tadtad na yata ng CPA ang angkan natin… try mo kaya magkaroon ng "Mallari, Canete & Co., CPA's".   Why not, libre naman mangarap, di ba?

This is just a thought… but beware,  most of the things you see today were mere thoughts yesterday.

 
 

Be the 'Glue' to Your Own Generation

Kami ng Mama mo magkarugtong sa pusod… but in reality, we are poles apart personality-wise.  Mahilig siya sa tao (nakuha niya sa Lolo Ever ninyo)… ako naman mas gusto nag-iisa (magkalaban kami ng Lolo Ever ninyo kaya di niya ako inambonan ng pagiging politico niya).  Your Mama was a 'glue' that bound us, she can adopt flexible views for the sake of harmony and could retract position on issues para lang di mag-away… ako naman, I'd better walk to the edge and fall off the cliff rather than accept something I could not take.  This is just an example of personality differences that will be replicated among you na magkapatid at magpi-pinsan.  Someone among you need to act as 'your brother's keeper.'

The way I see it, you're one good candidate (together with some others, madami kayo na nakikita ko sa inyo magpi-pinsan) to be the next 'glue'… or better still epoxy naman para mas matibay.  Always protect the honor of one another… if you have differences, settle it directly among yourselves kesehodang magsabonutan kayo okey lang basta kayo-kayo lang, but never betray the honor of one another to other people because that will be the time you'll start to drift apart.  The point is, kaming mga elders ninyo, we hope all of you will progress together and do good in life…  accommodate one another, respect each other and see to it no one would fall back to the status of landless magsasaka.  Though to be a magsasaka is honorable, but I've been there and found out the options in life are just too limited… it's like being at the bottom of the food chain, yukkkk!

 
 

Make Your Life

No matter how high you have climbed up your career ladder, at the end of the day you need to go home to your family.  Career and family should be grown up together, so when the time comes that you reach your career- high, you have  already a family of your own that is just as strong to provide you the much needed support.  Keep it in your mind not to neglect one over the other and be conscious always to strike the right balance.

 
 

Love, Respect and Honor for Your Elders

The day is not far when the hands that held yours when you were young will grow weak and become infirm, the once-sharp minds that provided you guidance will itself run dull and devoid of any sense. .. such is the irony of life.  When that day comes, remember that material things, money and achievements will not matter to us your old folks  anymore.

What matters to us on that day for our joy and happiness to stay will rest only in the thought  and assurance that you and our other pamangkins, for whatever successes and achievements they attain in life, their feet  remain grounded and their love, respect and honor for their elders will only grow stronger.    Kaya nga sabi ni God, honor your father and your mother… pati na rin titos and your titas, hehe!    Wherever life takes you, wag nyo kalimotan na may Papa pa kayo na dapat nyo pagbuhusan ng pagmamahal at pang-unawa sa darating na mga taon.

Finally, Keren, as more blessings come your way and successes pours in such abundance that you are confused with what to do,  just remember what  Spiderman said.  Ang sabi niya, "with great power comes great responsibility. "  To me, this is the best guiding principle in life.  Be careful with what is given to you and use it with compassion.  Remember, all these – material things, career, success – are just 'vehicles' to get you thru this life… and when you reach near your final destination, you will not need them anymore.  What will stay with you is your own humanity and your own kind of person you are… so don't let those things corrupt you.  Be considerate to the person next to you,  the success you attain should not be fueled by broken feelings and tarnished honor of the person next to you. 

We wish you good life, health and happiness in the days to come.  Salamant for making your Mama and Pala proud… salamatfor making us all proud!

 
 

Daddy

 

^_^

 

Point – less.

I am alone on the bed in this dark cold room with my sister and cousin asleep. I should have done my checklist two weeks ago. But up until now, I haven't started my list yet. Before I go any further, I just need to warn you that this entry is pointless. I am actually trying to put myself to sleep but I can't and I don't know why. I was busy with facebook. But after clicking the refresh button for several times and no new interesting update caught my attention, I opt to do this. I'm not a lurker, but I think I'm a stalker. :))

 

My instincts can sometimes kill me. I don't know if I was just too sensitive/observant or it's just my intuitions are really good. Whatever it is, it seems that I know something in this universe is happening that is yet for me to know.

 

I have a confession to make, I think I'm a frustrated writer and blogging is a way to stop my frustrations. I know I am not a good writer, but somehow deep inside, I know I want to write. It's just that I often run out of words and sense. Nevertheless, I still want to write. Hand in hand in writing was my want to read. This feeling has been going on for months now and lazy me often gets in the way. Someday I'll be able to read more books and write better. But for now, I guess you have to bear with my poor grammar and redundant sentences.

 

It finally came. I'm off to dreamland now. Ciao! :)

The Other Cheek.

If I was the old me, I should have walked away, turned back, and shut my world down.

 

But I guess I'm becoming more mature. I'm trying to face everything even with a little apprehension. Things may not be the way they used to be now, but I'm hoping that someday, they will be. Hopefully. But if not, then let it be, at least I did what I really wanted to do and conquered one of my greatest fears.

 

So I turned the other cheek, lowered the pride, and stayed.

Three Letters.

One of the best things that my profession could offer is the ability to write my occupation in three letters. (tamad.lol.)

Away.

"Things will never be the same again."

 

That was the most stupid move, but I guess it worked.

Quest for Camelot - Looking Through Your Eyes (English)

I've always loved this song. <3

Shut Down.

"So I leaned over and did what I figured you wanted me to do, hoping I was right, and then, as you were kissing me back, hoping it was enough to keep you."

Escape.

I am not me now. I am living my life not the way I planned it after passing my board exams. This is not me. This is not who I am supposed to be. But for now, I need a break. I need to take a rest. Take one step backward, look at the whole view, enjoy it for a while.

Someday soon I'll be me again. Yes, I'll be me.

Kundiman.

Bahala na, ayoko muna magsalita

Hayaan na muna natin ang hatol ng tadhana.

Love.

1 Corinthians 13

Love.

1 If I could speak in any language in heaven or on earth* but didn't love others, I would only be making meaningless noise like a loud gong or a clanging cymbal.

2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I knew all the mysteries of the future and knew everything about everything, but didn't love others, what good would I be? And if I had the gift of faith so that I could speak to a mountain and make it move, without love I would be no good to anybody.

3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;* but if I didn't love others, I would be of no value whatsoever.

4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud

5 or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged.

6 It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.

7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

8 Love will last forever, but prophecy and speaking in unknown languages* and special knowledge will all disappear.

9 Now we know only a little, and even the gift of prophecy reveals little!

10 But when the end comes, these special gifts will all disappear.

11 It's like this: When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child does. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.

12 Now we see things imperfectly as in a poor mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.* All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God knows me now.

13 There are three things that will endure--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest of these is love.

Tanong.

Bakit ka nga ba nagtatanong pa sa mga bagay na alam mo naman ang sagot?

Hindi mo ba talaga alam? O naninigurado ka lang? O baka naman may gusto ko lang din malaman?

My Caring/Confidential/Cookie's Group

For the past half year, these 4 people have been greatly influencing my life. They laughed at my corny jokes, listened to my endless rants, kept my darkest secrets, answered my curious questions, cried with me in my brokenness, trusted me with their own stories, and loved me wholly for who I am. Our friendship will never end. Thank you and I love you Mommy, Gretchy, Justin and Qb. :)                                                                                                        

 

Irrationalness.

I'm not afraid of falling. I'm afraid of rejection.

 

 

So it's better that you don't know than you know then say no.

Stupid Logic.

Playing Safe.

Think. Thought.

Stop.

Look.

Listen.

Hush.

Happy Birthday part 2

Corrupted applications.

Broken phone themes.

Unreliable phone memory.

Deleted birthday and ego-booster messages.

Lost contacts.

 

I was devastated, not because of my phone but because of the deleted messages that I've been keeping for years. But then, a very sweet little girl secretly texted people and asked them if they could resend their birthday messages for me….

 

From: Niki

Dahil lab ka namin, itetext ka namin ulit. :)

*ehem* even though the messages were accidentally erased, one thing remains to stay the same: you are loved and special to all of us. You are my soul sister, one of my sources of strength in times of despair, and an angel. Continue to shine. I will always be here for you. Love you, ate kingkay! Smile. :)

 

 

From: Madeline

kerey! :))

I love you and i super treasure our friendship kahit na kelan lang tayo naging close :)

Aja sa exam! :)) im always here :)) i love you!

 

 

From: Lou

First impressions:

1. Tahimik

2. Nkkhyang iapproach

3. Bka di ko mging kaclose

REALIZATIONS:

1. Sobrang daldal, lahat ng sasabihin nya super mabbless ka.

2. Pwde mo lapitan ANYTIME. Trust worthy. Lge maaasahan.

3. Naging pinakapaborito kong tita na super loooove ko :)

PLUS ...

4. Masarap mang hug.

5. Masarap mgtmpla ng coffee

6. Masarap iyakan

7. Super wonderful person :)

words aren't enaf. I LOVE YOU TITA KEREN :))

HAPPY BIRTHDAY. i wish u ol the dcres of ur hart. I wish u'l c urself d way i c u so dt ul know hw wondrful person u r :*

 

From: Reg

We love yooou!

 

From: Jedy

i love u ate keren! hinay2 lng s pg aaral,kya natin 2! hehe. stay sweet and caring and kind and beautiful and smart and God loving and ano pa b? hehe. *hugz and kisses*

 

 

From: Rox

Ate keren :) miss na kta :) loves y0u much :) pahug aq <:D>

Dahil d kta ngreet nung birthday mo.. BINABATI KTA NG MALIGAYANG KAARAWAN :) y0u br0ught so much blessings in my life.. Happy happy birthday :) i love y0u :-*

 

From:Ryan

Happy Birthday Ate Keren! Thank you so much for all the love and the friendship. It really means so much to me. Alam mo yun, kasi you're one of the people I appreciate the most na. As in super. Di ko alam kung pano iexpress basta alam mo na yun. Hahaha. God Loves you so much! So do I :D Labyuuu! <:D>

 

From: Igi

Maganda, mabaet, sweet, matalino, mahal ng lahat at marami pa kasi hnd mauubusan ng mga papuri para sakanya:) Ako yan :D haha! Joke! Yan ang tita Keren ko :) good night<:D> sweet dreams. I love you :)

 

Happy birthday :)

belated happy birthday

advance happy birthday

hehe <:D>

 

 

From: Mommy Cookie and Daddy Pao

Hi nak!:-) again belated hapi bday!:-) its our honor to be d parents of a very loving, gifted, amazing and wonderful sister, servant, daughter and top board passer and excellent cpa.. Amen! Thank u 4 trusting us with ur stories, feelngs and iyak!:-) d2 lang kmi palagi 4 u. We love u so much! Bless many! Live love! Hug! Mwuah! Mommy & daddy

 

From: Erika Coralde

happy 1st day of xmas! :-D

i stilL h0n0r you for just being the way you are.peksman.

Pgnai2sip q un cAmp,naaalala q agad kung panO mO kme niLead s w0rShip.at dat m0ment..i toLd myseLf...i want u to be my ment0r.nasag0t agad un pRayer q n gs2 q ng inspirati0n s pgse2rve.at ikaw un.:-D kht d m0 n bday..atleast xmas nMn t0day.i love you te keren.haha

 

From: Kuya Edsel

Happy birthday shobe!!ü hope you had a great day!!ü sorry late greeting... Ngyn Lang nagka load... Hahaü mwah! Take care. Good night!ü

 

Shobz, heard u erased your bday messages...:( I sent you the exact message I sent you on your bday...ü cheer up ok? I'm passing by soon.ü

 

From: 09228103018

happy bday po ü

 
 

 
 

 It felt like I had two birthdays in a year. Thank you for loving me this much. :)

Just in Time

Dear Keren,

You don't have to prove yourself to anyone.  If you know yourself, you don't need to and you don't bother.

Keep on believing in your genius,
God

P.S. Know your worth, Keren.  If you don't know it, no one will.

 

For the past few days, I've been thinking a lot. I'm pressured. I'm burdened. I always feel that I need to prove my worth. But here he goes again, telling me for the nth time that I know my worth and I need not to prove anyone. I can do all things through You who strengthens me. I love You always! <3

Wisdom from T.D. Jakes

Wisdom from T.D. Jakes
Hillsong Conference 2010

 
• God got you covered and He hasn't lose control of one soul and He hasn't lose control of you. :)

 
• "Don't get bitter when I'm trying you to be better." -God

 
• Bitterness can get in your soul and no one doesn't even know that it is there.

 
• He doesn't tell you how you're gonna get out, He doesn't always tell you what you're going to go through. But He does tell you to TRUST Him in the process that He'll take you to the process to get the glory part of your life.

 
• Because whenever your destiny is attached to someone, let nothing separate you.

 
• Do not allow a brief period in your life to define who you are. You are bigger than your circumstance, you are greater than your situation, you might have gone through something but you are not what you've gone through. You are not what happened to you. Don't change who you are to fit what you've been through. You may have gone through it but don't let it stick to you. Just keep on moving forward because GOD HAS A PLAN IN YOUR LIFE.

 
• This is not about letting life change you, this is about understanding that life is a process, this is about on what's on the other side for you. this is about understanding that this too shall pass. This is about not allowing a circumstance to define you and abuse to define you…. This is about rising above the storm in this situation and the test of the trial and saying I shall not die but live in the works of the Lord. This is about stubborn faith, radical faith, tenacious faith, relentless faith. This is about digging your heels in, and having that hold to stand therefore…. And whatever you do, DON'T CHANGE YOUR NAME.

 
• Keep your praise. Praise Him on credit. Praise Him now and He'll do it later. :D

 
• The reason why you praise Him by faith is you can't praise Him by sight. Because when you are going through a correction, your perception is off.

 
• When you get bitter, you can't see what you have for grieving over what you've lost.

 
• Your destiny is NEVER ATTACHED to what you've lost . It's ALWAYS attached to what YOU HAVE LEFT. In other words, if HE TOOK IT, YOU DIDN'T NEED IT TO PERFORM YOUR PURPOSE IN THE EARTH. So you don't have to wait for what you've lost, you GOTTA LOOK AT FOR WHAT YOU HAVE LEFT…. GOD WILL ALWAYS USE WHAT YOU HAVE LEFT AND HE WILL NEVER USE WHAT YOU'VE LOST.

 
• He said "I will never leave you nor forsake you".

 
• After every storm, after every test, after every trial, after every correction, THERE IS ALWAYS A BLESSING.

 
• God is going to do a new thing in your life… what you've gone through is nothing but a correction. This too, shall pass.

Lost In HIS Loving Arms

It was a long Sunday. And as much as I wanted to write all my thoughts in this blog entry, I don't know if my mind can still contain them by the time I finished writing this. So before they expire, here is a short (hopefully short) story how God revealed Himself to me again today.

 

The day didn't start the way I planned it. Early in the morning, I was deeply burdened by many factors (which I intend not to disclose in this blog entry) which made me feel helpless, weak and disgusted about myself. I even came to a point where I was already thinking of taking a sabbatical leave from my service, contact no one, and just be quiet for the rest of the week. I already planned on not texting anyone, not attending the music practice and even Feast Manila. I was that down, I just wanted to detach from the world and run to a secret hiding place where I can be alone and just be with myself. I know that my life was filled with love especially for the past week, but I just didn't see myself as a significant being. Don't worry, I don't have suicidal tendencies, I didn't intend to die. I just wanted to be quiet, reflect and cry. At the back of my mind, I was already contemplating why am I so sensitive? Why am I like this? Is it just because of my upcoming visitor? Or is it because of something else? I wanted to cry. I wanted to run away from people so they won't see me crying. But in the end, I found myself helpless, sitting on one of the comfortable chairs in PICC with tears heavily flowing from my eyes.

 

During the worship, I felt that God was there, looking at me, smiling, waiting for me to dry my tears then hug Him after. He was there telling me "Oi Keren, halika nga dito, umiiyak ka na naman, andito naman Ako." There were fears, I've been crying so much lately and I was really scared, but He was there, reminding me again just to TRUST Him. He was there, reassuring me that my gift is a blessing to others and I should use it and not just keep it to myself, it is a gift meant to be shared.

 

God even spoke to me during the ministry heads meeting. (Btw, Tito Rolly called me "bunso" when I was about to speak and my heart jumped for joy. :D) He wants to maximize me. He wants to use the total of me to be one of His instruments in leading His youth to Him. He reminded me that I should be more preoccupied by those whom we're trying to reach, that we are in a constant journey of making things better and everything that we have must be intentional. Community is about love, genuine concern for others and allowing them to see God in you. He wants us to be excellent, to do all what is humanly possible so that the Holy Spirit may do what is humanly impossible. He wants me to learn to innovate, to love improvement and to love new things and be reminded that if old things didn't work, then don't continue. He wants me not to be afraid in committing mistakes. He wants me to build relationships, create excellence and show love.

 

At the end of the day, I found myself happily sitting at the back of the car of the couple who brought my parents to Light of Jesus Community 25 years ago. (Thank you Tito Ed and Chay Santiago for my ride home.)

 

I am Keren Graine Cañete Mallari, God's strong maiden, ready to fight the demon, willing to shed tears for others, inspired and driven to make the LOJ-Youth Missions a place of excellent love.

 

I am God's anointed intercessor, I am God's servant, I am God's powerful champion, and because I am blessed and loved, I can bless the world and give love. In Jesus Name.

Panahon at Pagkakataon

Lahat ng nangyayari ay may dahilan, hindi man natin ito malaman. Lahat ng bagay may sariling panahon, naghihintay lamang ng tamang pagkakataon.

Gustuhin ko mang gamitin lahat ng oras ko sa paglilingkod sa Kanya, alam kong may mga dahilan Siya bakit hindi ko pa kaya. At itong Kanyang plano at aking pangarap, hindi lang ito para sa ngayon kundi panghabambuhay.

Sa lahat ng bagay, ang Diyos ay papurihan. :)

Happiness.

"That happiness, it is not the one you have from finding an old lost love because that love was never lost and it will always have a special place in your heart. Rather, it's the happiness of finding your old friend whom you've thought you will never find again."

I loveD him. And even though things didn't work out between the two of us, that love made me stronger and wiser. I'm happy that he already found the one love that he's waiting for all this time.

And I know someday I will find my love too….

(or maybe I already did, just waiting for the right time. ^_^)

Rainbow.

Ako ang Ulan at ikaw ang aking Bahaghari. :)

Who Can Tell?

Possibilities, they are less likely to happen than probabilities. That's what accounting taught me.



I don't mind if they are possible or probable, all I know is that both have the hope of happening.



And who can only tell?

Him. :)

"Dear Keren,
Jump in. Do it.

Unless you move, nothing happens.

I empower you,

GOD

P.S. Plans are good, Keren.

Thinking about your plans is good.

Talking about your plans is good.

But unless you act, your plans mean nothing."

Relativity

How would you know it's sweet if you didn't taste bitter?

How would you know it's cold if you haven't felt hot?

How would you know it's white if you haven't seen black?

How would you know happiness if you weren't sad?

How would you know success if you didn't fail?

How would you know hate if you didn't love? :)

Love

Someday, I will learn how to love difficult people. I'm a work in process. J

Ipis.

Alam mo ung minsan wala kang maisip tapos may bigla kang maiisip tapos pag naisip mo na, ayaw mo na isipin at gusto na lang tanggalin sa isip?

Ako alam ko, ikaw alam mo? Isip ka na lang kung kaya mo. :P

Mixsilog

Mga halo-halo kong kwento. *bow*

 

Sa isang normal na review day, oras na ngayon ng gising ko. Pero dahil nga Sabado ngayon at pinagbigyan ko ang sarili ko na panoorin ang huling dalawang episode ng Glee, eto, gising pa din ako at parang di na makatulog at ngayon nagsusulat na… Sa totoo lang, parang ambilis ng lingong lumipas. Parang noong huling Sabado lang, nasa Batangas ako, may sore eyes tapos natapilok tapos nilagnat tapos nagpahilot tapos nilagnat ulit tapos nawala ang lagnat tapos nilagnat ulit tapos hindi na pumasok tapos gumaling tapos magaling pa din tapos ngayon na. Ambilis ng mga araw diba?

 

Sa mga nakalipas na araw, ang dami lang atang nangyari na hindi naman na tipikal sa ganitong panahon. Ewan ko ba, ang dami lang. Ang alam ko lang ngayon ay 'wag sayangin ang panahon ko 'pagkat konti na lang 'to. Dapat ay hindi sa kung saan-saan ko itinutuon ang aking isip kundi sa pag-aaral lang. At higit sa lahat, 'wag kalimutan si Big Boss sa taas na walang sawang nagmumudmod ng pagmamahal at biyaya.

 

Basta madaming nangyaring ngayong lingo. Maaring hindi mabigat para sa iba, pero para sa 'kin, muli na naman Niyang ipinamalas ang kakaibang kapangyarihan Niya. (Ambilis makaramdam ni Lord. :D Amen!)

 

Sa susunod, mag-iingles na ulit ako. :P

Sikretong Malupit

Siya ay mayroong sikretong malupit
Na kahit magipit
'Di maiipit

Bagamat patuloy na nag-iisip
'Di mo pa rin mahahagip
Kahit ika'y sumipsip

Hindi mo ito makikita
Lalong hindi mahahalata
Gano mo man buksan ang mga mata

At kahit ika'y tumakbo
Patuloy niya itong itatago
Hanggang lumago

Siguro nga siya'y talo
Maaaring magmukhang gago
Ang utak ay nagloloko

Siya at ako ay iisa
Naiintindihan mo ba?
O tatakas na lang din katulad nila?

Oo ito'y magulo
Mag-isip hanggang matanto
Pero sa ngayon, didiretso munang banyo...

Old or Wise?

The night has been filled with different stories from different people who matter to me. I may not be their closest friend and I am not the person whom they always run to whenever they have problems but I'm glad and blessed to be here for them. I am really grateful for their trust and confidence on me.

Friends, thank you. You make me feel important and trustworthy. You filled my love tank with love. I love you. I really hope that everything will be well soon.

*hugs*

Ano ang mas mahirap?

Ano ang mas mahirap?

 

Magkunwaring gising o magkunwaring tulog?

Magkunwaring masaya o magkunwaring malungkot?

Magkunwaring may alam o magkunwaring walang alam?

Magkunwaring naiintindihan o magkunwaring nalilito?

Magkunwaring umiiyak o magkunwaring tumatawa?

Magkunwaring mahal o magkunwaring hindi mahal?

 

Bakit nga ba naimbento ang salitang "kunwari"?

Bakit nga ba kailangang magkunwari?

Hindi ba pwedeng ung totoo na lang palagi?

madaling araw na, ang daldal mo pa. tsk.

ang balak: matulog ng maaga. gumising ng maaga. tumulong mag-ayos para sa mga darating na bisita.

Pero mukhang hanggang balak na lang 'yun dahil hanggang ngayon, gising pa din ako. :((

Bakit nga ako gising pa? Hay, hindi ko rin alam. Ang alam ko lang, inaantok na ako pero ang diwa ko'y gising na gising pa. Parang humahanap ng mga sagot sa tanong na hindi pa natatanong at naiisip. Buti pa ang mga tanong na 'yon, may sagot na. Eh ang mga tanong ko, meron na kaya? (aysus, ano na naman ba 'to???)

Sabog. Parang addict lang. Nagsusulat, pero wala namang patutunguhan. Nag-iisip, wala naman talagang kahulugan. Ganito ba talaga 'pag walang magawa kahit na madaming kailangang gawin? Sa madaling salita, ganito ba talaga 'pag TAMAD....???

Ano nga ba ang point ng blog na 'to??? >>> wala lang. Gusto ko lang magsulat, bakit ba? :))

Pero alam mo, sa gabing ito (madaling araw pala), meron akong napagtanto....

Sa buhay natin, kailangan lang natin minsang lumayo, namnamin ang sakit pagkatapos ay pakawalan ito. Subukang mabuhay ng normal at hayaan lang ang panahon ang maghilom ng mga sugat ng nakaraan. Minsan nakakainip, madalas nakakabagot, pero ano naman ang paghihintay ng saglit kung ang kapalit naman nito ang habambuhay na tunay na kaligayahan na walang ni konting kirot at poot na nadarama?

Hindi bago ang mga desisyon na nangangailangan ng panahon. Minsan, kailangan munang magpalipas ng oras, huminto, manahimik at mag-isip. Dapat hindi nagmamadali dahil baka sa pagkakataong ito, maging katotohanan na ang lahat ng panaginip. Hindi na tayo masasawi at higit sa lahat, makita na ang matagal nang hinahanap. Baka sa pagkakataong ito, dumating na ang tamang pagkakataon sa tamang panahon.

Tanging panahon lang ang makapagsasabi at ang tanging magagawa ko lang ay ang maghintay. :) 

Tama na, tulog na, kainan na mamaya. :D

 

I can't remember... :(

I found this message in my phone written last March 26, 2010.

"It was after all for my own good so that I need not to choose nor take sides.I may have hurt now but I know that He just rescued me from a deeper pain that I might encounter in the future if I should have indulged myself now. It was not easy to understand nor to accept but I trusted Him, followed Him with eyes closed and let Him have His way in every step. It may have took me a while before I had the courage to take a step and move forward, but who cares? At least I realized that not all "yes" are really "yes", that true friends keep their promises and that His love is far more greater than anything this world could offer."

As much as I tried to remember the reason why I wrote this, I just can't. I wish I could remember soon. I'm kinda bothered and confused. :|

Ano daw?

Ang mundo, malaki, malawak, madaming tao. Pero minsan, sa dami ng tao, maguguluhan ka't malilito kung sino ba talaga ang pagkakatiwalaan mo. O minsan, alam mo naman kung sino, sadyang takot ka lang magtiwala ulit.

Minsan sa buhay, darating ka pala sa punto na gusto mo na lang tumakbo at mawala sa kawalan. Minsan, gusto mong tumawa hanggang kabagin ka, o umiyak hanggang wala ng luha ang papatak mula sa iyong mga mata. Minsan gusto mong maraming kasama, magulo, maingay, makulit. Pero minsan gusto mo lang din mapag-isa, tahimik lang.

Sa iyong pagtakbo palayo sa realidad ng mundo, minsan bigla ka na lang matitigilan. At pagkatapos ng malalim na pagninilay-nilay sa mga bagay-bagay, mapapisip ka, "ako ba talaga 'to?", "ano nga bang ginagawa ko sa buhay ko?".

Mananahimik, mapapaisip. At sa pag-iisip, malalamang alam mo naman pala talaga ang sagot sa iyong mga kabaliwan. Hindi ka nalilito lalong hindi naguguluhan. Gusto mong tumakbo at mawala sa kawalan dahil ang katotohanan ang iyong gustong talikuran, isang katotohanang sumasalamin sa isang pangalan na nagpapakita ng kabuuan.

Pero sa ngayon, tatahimik ka na lang muna, muling mag-iisip sa gitna ng kawalan. Dahil sa pagkakataong ito, gusto mo maging sigurado sa lahat ng gagawin mong desisyon. Hindi ka naman nagmamadali. Alam mong madami ka pang oras at ito'y gagamitin sa wastong paraan. Uupo sa isang tabi, magninilay-nilay, at hinhintayin ang tamang panahon at ang tamang pagkakataon.

Dahil sa mundong ating ginagalawan, tanging panahon lang ang makakapagsabi. At wala kang pakealam sa tagal ng panahon sapagkat handa kang hintayin ang sasabihin nito. *(^_^)*

Farewell Ate Ava…

If only I knew earlier, I could have visited her.

 

Ate Ava, I know you're in a better place now. Thank you for all the kindness. I was shocked by the news but what you did was really noble. I wish I knew earlier. I will never forget how kind you are to me, your softness and your warmth. Your mission here is finished, just pray for us down here. We'll pray for you.

Thank you. Heaven gained another angel because of you. Send my regards to my mom.

Staying away…

I know that they play an important part of my life.

But for now, I just want to stay away.

I'm living in fantasy, free from worries.

And if I have a choice, I don't want this to end…

BUT I know this will end.

Real soon.

I just want to make the most out of it.

Meet new friends and build new relationships.

I just want to be here, sheltered from the world for now.

Trip lang

badtrip.bakit?ewan.kainis.ssssh.cellphone.laptop(blaze).

Para saan? Baka doon. Siguro nga. Baka hindi. Sigurado ka?

Weird. Strange. Odd. Peculiar. Different. Unusual. Extraordinary.

Keren Graine Mallari deactivated her Facebook account…

BAKIT????

Trip lang.

Pero trip nga lang ba?

O may mas malalim na dahilan?

Hush….

My BIG thank you… :)

I learned that in this life, not everything will work out as planned. My supposed to be 3 years and 2 terms in college became 5 years. I left my dream school and went to a new one that I never knew existed until I actually set foot on its grounds. It was heartbreaking at first, but when I realized His reasons, I became submissive to His plans. I'm glad that I took the longer road, because if not, I will not be blessed to meet new people whom I will build lifelong friendships. And with this, I want to thank everyone who took part in my 5-year journey…

 

To Daddy and Tita Yeng, thank you for introducing me to this field and for not allowing me to give up on this dream when I was about to give it up. Thank you for your constant reminders and tutoring.

 

To Uncle Jun, thank you for all the financial and moral support you gave me throughout my college. I owe you big time. I promise not to put to waste everything that you've invested on me and to always pay it forward.

 

To my C33 blockmates and fellow LAmb 2k6, thank you for a very memorable first year college in La Salle. Thank you for your unending friendship even if I'm already a Bedan. I miss you.

 

To XJs (Bf, Grax, Nanna, Te Nel, Kat, Kris, Ern), you're the most beautiful barkada San Beda could offer. The universe conspired for us to meet and become the best of friends. Our sisterhood will be for keeps. Thank you for helping me accept my fate and for being there for me all throughout especially during the most trying times.

 

To my "boy friends" (Rjadz, Ketts, Pio, Rabena, Ada), thank you for being a friend when I felt that I was alone and had no friends left to be with me every single day. You never failed to make me feel secured when I'm with you.

 

To my dearest batchmates, thank you for letting me feel a little heaven in every deadly school day. Learning is fun because you're around. I will surely miss our classroom parties. :D Let's make history and aim for 100%. :)

 

To the A.Y. 07-08 and A.Y. 08-09 JPIA officers, thank you for your friendship , for helping me develop my leadership skills and for entrusting JPIA to me.

 

To Atty. Llave and my beloved 09-10 JPIA officers, thank you for your respect and trust. You're the best batch of officers that I've ever worked with. I couldn't ask for more. It was my pleasure working with you. We did it! Congratulations for a job well done! :)

 

To our Professors, thank you for patience and unselfishness. I may not remember all the accounting theories and concepts that you taught us but I will always keep in mind all the life's lessons you imparted to us. Thank you for helping us prepare for the real world that awaits us.

 

To my LOJ-Youth Family, thank you for always believing in my capabilities, for praying for me and for giving me the opportunity to serve in the midst of my toxic academic life.

 

To my ever supportive Cañete and Mallari family, thank you for your overflowing love and support for me and for making me feel that I made you proud.

 

To my most cherished gems, Papa, Ate Kay and Jem, thank you for everything, for always being there and for always understanding my mood swings. I love you always.

To my dearly loved guardian angel, Mama, you have a better view of my graduation watching it from the sky. :) I'm sorry because you can no longer wait for this day. Thank you for inspiring me. Your memories never failed to remind me of His purpose why I was brought to San Beda. I hope I made you proud. I love and miss you so much.

 

And to You Lord, my loving and loyal confidant, thank You for having Your way and allowing me to experience life. Thank You for still leading me to the same destination. That in all things, may You always be glorified!

 

"That in all things, God works for good to all those who love Him.

Those whom He has called according to His purpose…"

-Romans8:28-

My Guardian Angel’s 2nd Anniversary

My memory can still clearly remember the day that I've let you go. You've been missing a lot of happenings down here. We are missing you badly. But I know that your life is better off up there, than suffering here.

It's been two years since I've lost my mother. It still hurts. But I know everything that has happened was for our good. God has plans and I fully understand.  I think heaven was in dire need of angels that's why He took her. :D  I lost my mother 2 years ago, but I also gained my guardian angel. Happy 2nd year anniversary in heaven my dearest Guardian Angel. We're missing you down here, but  I know you're doing great up there. I love and miss you so much.

2

2 is a number.
maybe to remember
or just to forget
but never regret. :)

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/kerengraine

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/kerengraine

Hush

It is neither jealousy nor bitterness. It’s just about feeling bad for yourself because you feel so little and not enough because he did not have the courage to stand for you and take the risk while he leaped for the other.

You’re hurting not because of “them” but because of the way you think towards yourself. You don’t have regrets with your decisions because you know that you did what’s best for you. It’s just that you’re hurting and only you could understand; only you could explain.

I feel for you.

One Last....

One last grade and it will be done....

*keeping my fingers crossed*

BUT all the more, keeping the faith stronger than ever.

THIS YEAR IS THE YEAR TO FULFILL MY DREAMS.

I know YOU'LL make them happen. I love You! :D

030910 PAPA read my BLOGS!!!

It was 8 in the morning when I picked up my phone because Ate was calling me. It was unusual. She doesn't usually call me unless she wants to borrow the hair iron again. Then from the other line, I heard:

 
 

Ate: Ke, may problema ka daw ba sabi ni Papa?

Keren: (talking to herself: bakit anong meron?)

Keren: dati meron, ngayon wala. Bakit?

Ate: Eh kasi ung blog mo nabasa ni Papa.

Keren: Huh? Paano? Waaah. (Papa doesn't even know how to open the computer!!!)

Ate: nung nasa bahay siya ng friend niya, sinearch niya ikaw tapos nabasa niya ung blog mo.

Keren: (Devastated.) Hahahaha.

 
 

Papa, if ever you're reading this, hello! :D

 
 

I should be studying now, but since our exam was moved to 2 instead of 1pm, I chose to write because I think I can't contain my thoughts to myself again. Studies show that people who blog are those who are lonely and are not that expressive. I'm not lonely. But I just don't want to talk to someone about random things that's why instead of telling them directly to a person, I just write them. But more than anything, I like to develop my writing skills (if ever I have one) because writing is my waterloo. (this blog will prove that I'm not a good writer. :P Pardon my grammatical errors and scattered thoughts. :D)

 
 

10 minutes left

 
 

I have ten minutes 'til I talk to my calculator and AP notebook again. Since I don't have so much time left, I'll tell my updates in bullet form. :P

• Finals week! I had two exams done, one today and more on the coming days. I studied at Mcdo (3am) (btw, the manager and the crew during the graveyard shift are really hospitable and friendly) this morning then went to mass (7am). :) I gave food to "Tatay" (it never failed to make me feel good and happy) then bought fruits for lunch. I need to learn how to pick the sweet ones. Btw, fruits are expensive! :P
  

   
   

• I didn't attend the youth feast last sun. I saw auntie Gigi again after 15 years then had lunch with the family. I should not have gone to las pinas but my sisters insisted. Instead of having 4hours as my time-off for studying tax, I had 6. I didn't finish studying tax 1. :( but that's ok. At least I had time with my family (the four of us -which is quite unusual nowadays).
  

   
   

• Music min practice last wed. I didn't plan to attend. But because of the frustrating quiz that I had in tax, I chose to attend and didn't answer everyone's text nor calls. I just want to deviate myself from everything. I cried so much. But one good thing happened, at least I learned how to attend mass everyday. (Oops. I forgot to wake up early last Saturday. I missed the morning mass that day. ):D
  

   
   

• OSEB Defense last Friday and I can say that we did great!!! Our spiels during the defense were well-delivered even though we had only almost 3 hours to practice. My officers are great and it was a team effort. I just hope for the best for JPIA. :) I know we did well (that's an understatement).
  

   
   

• Last regular school-Friday is "petiks day". I was in school at 7am for our rehearsal for our defense. As usual, I was the earliest and everyone was late. :P there was no tax2 for that day. And instead of having a lecture in Audit Prob, we just had our grades computed and the rest was "daldalan time". Ate nel, ketts, rjadz and I still have our hangover from the defense during that time. And the four of us passed the midterms in AP!!! :D I prayed for that and I'm blessed that God answered my prayers. :D
  

   
   

• I gained new friends last Friday- the feast manila new youth singers. :D
  

   
   

• I learned how to pray harder. Lord, You're simply awesome. You know why. I love You much! :D
  

   
   

 
 

Four exam days left then deliberation. I still have my facebook fasting 'til the final verdict. But I'll give way to blogging. at least through this, I won't be spending so much time lurking around the internet unlike when I open my FB. :P

 
 

5 minutes extension

 
 

Got to go…

 
 

-done: March 9, 2010

 
 

P.S. I think this will be a late post.

 
 

 
 

 
 

Arggh.

I hate one-sided freaks. Immature. When will you ever learn to listen? Arggh. :(

021410 Happy Love Day! :)

God never failed to surprise those who loves Him.

 
 

Today is love day, a perfect time to show love to others especially to my family. The dinner was…. It was not the best dinner with Papa, Ate and Jem. But I am glad that I was able to celebrate this day with the people who matters most to me. At the end of the night, I began to act childish again. Maybe because I wasn't feeling well. I was feeling a lot of things that I wanted to share with them but I can't and I don't know why. Words just don't come out and I don't think they would understand me. Maybe Mama will, but not them. I felt that they were not in the mood to listen to me. I can't feel that they're ready to hear my sentiments nor understand what I was going through. Even I myself, I don't understand. I just wanted to cry. I just want to pray and cry.

 
 

I am blessed to be a part of the council of the Youth Feast. It was unexpected. It is a blessing and a responsibility. I volunteered for other ministries. But they still assigned me to head intercessory. Honestly, I am really clueless in what I should do. When I received the manual this morning, I already wanted to cry. I don't know why I feel happy but at the same time burdened by the ministry given to me. I am scared. I never thought that this will come now and I don't even have a mentor to really guide me step by step in this task. I am really lost. Maybe because that I didn't expect that I will handle this ministry for real. For years, I already felt that God is leading me in this ministry. Even Mama felt that for me. And because of that, my conviction and desire to grow in this ministry deepen. But how? What should I do? What must I do?

 
 

Our meeting ended at 1:00PM and I got a few notes from Ate Pat on how must I conduct the whole on-site intercession. Then I began to think, am I really needed on Sunday for the music min? I don't want to leave my ministry to anyone on its first day. I know how essential my ministry is and I don't want to miss the opportunity to experience interceding for something. Besides, the rest of the Music Min will be singing already. I am still thinking. But my heart tells me not to leave intercessory this Sunday. This is the real thing. This is not just a mere text-pass ministry, pray for that pray for this ministry. This is the real thing and it overwhelms me. I am thankful that they entrusted me with this. But I'm scared. What if I won't be able to do it? What if something unexpected will happen?

 
 

I am praying that God will bless me with members. I can't do this alone. This is no easy task. After I watched the video, I never thought that this ministry will be a real work. Intercessory doesn't end during the feast. You carry it everyday. You do it everyday. You go beyond your borders. You become unselfish. You become more loving. You become less of you and more of others. You become more prayerful, more than what you were before, more than that what you've expected from yourself.

 
 

And still I don't know why I feel scared. During Tito Obet's worship a while ago and Bro. Michael's exhortation during his talk, I felt that God was really talking to me. Why should I be afraid? what am I afraid of? Then as Tito Bo told us to go over our novena to God's love once again, I saw my 6th dream…

 
 

" Know my core gift and use it for Your ministry. Mature on that gift."

 
 

When I read this, I felt that God was telling me "Keren, what more are you asking for? This is your dream and I planted it in your heart. I touched you and I blessed you. Don't be afraid. I am here with you. You're mom is so proud of you up here. I will never forsake you. I will use you to bless others. I will use to pray for their needs. You are their intercessor. This is your gift, the one you've been praying for. Use it, nurture it. Grow deeper. Love others more. I trust you. And I love you."

 
 

God loves me. And He proved that to me today, on Love day, on Valentine's Day. And I am deeply grateful and blessed. Truly this day is about love. As what Bro. Michael said this afternoon

 
 

"Remember that Jesus didn't die because we are sinful, He died because of His great love for us…"

 
 

God let me experience love today - love from friends and family. He healed me from all my pains and all my hurts and made me feel ok in everything. He loves me and I love Him. And I should continue to love others. I should continue my mission to live to love.

 
 

Happy love day Keren! :)

 
 

 
 

020710 "Stress-Free" or "Stress for Free"

 

Stress
n.

strain felt by somebody: mental, emotional, or physical strain caused, e.g. by anxiety or overwork. It may cause such symptoms as raised blood pressure or depression.

Microsoft® Encarta® 2009. © 1993-2008 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.

 
 

Why would I feel stressed if I haven't started anything yet? Why do I feel like this? I don't feel at ease. I feel burdened. I'm pissed. I'm offended. I'm distressed.

 
 

self·ish [sélfish]

adjective

1.		looking after own desires: concerned with your own interests, needs, and wishes while ignoring those of others
2.		demonstrating selfishness: showing that personal needs and wishes are thought to be more important than those of other people

Microsoft® Encarta® 2009. © 1993-2008 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.

 
 

Selfish. That's how she sees me. I'm not just being selfish when I told her that I'm really using it. It's not hers!!! It was given to her because they broke mine. That was a replacement for me. It's more expensive. But if only she lend it with my permission, then they would not need to replace it and this will not end like this. I'm really pissed with her.

 
 

Am I wrong? am I really selfish? Why wouldn't she buy for herself? She has money anyway. The problem with her is she wouldn't invest on things that will be useful in the future. She would burden others when she could have bought for herself. She will never understand.

 
 

How can I reflect on the gospel if I feel this way? I'm not happy. I feel that I don't deserve the time that You will give to me because I'm not ready to talk with full attention.

 
 

Lord sorry. I know that I should not pray only when I feel like praying, when I feel I need You. But how could I face You this way when my heart is full of hatred? Would they still love me amidst of this? She already judged me. And I don't feel they love me. I don't need those now. The other one thinks that I get more than what I should while the other one thinks that I'm selfish. Will they ever love me?

 
 

I'm proud. I don't want to lower my pride. Arggh. I hate myself. Maybe it will be better tomorrow. Sorry Lord for acting this way.

 
 

I promise to be ok tomorrow. Sorry. I should not have surfed the internet. :( honestly, I always see that it's the devil's way to tempt me to surf instead of studying. :( I hate it. :( I have a choice. I can do this. Lord help. :/

 
 

How can I speak of love if I don't love them enough that I can't sacrifice my own for them? I'm a hypocrite. :( When will it ever occur to me that it should be others first? I am the one wrong here. I just can't accept the fact that I'm pointing my finger towards myself instead of her. I hate this feeling. :(

 
 

Do I need You more now? I just feel I don't deserve Your attention. This is an emotional stress. :( I need to refocus. Haiz.

 
 

In dire need of help….

Keren