I don't like being sad anymore. Ate is right, the problem is within me. I know that I am thinking a lot. And today, I am choosing to be ok. I had a fight with Ate this morning. She's borrowing my laptop and I didn't lend it to her. I don't trust her with my things. I don't trust her with any material thing.
That's the problem with me. It's really hard for me to trust if I find reasons not to. I easily trust someone, but from the moment I find reasons not to, I suddenly detach myself and lean on my own understanding. I know that what I'm doing is wrong. I should have listened to them. But I didn't. I'm hardheaded. I'm scared. I don't want pain. I don't want rejection.
"There is no fear in love but perfect love casts out fear."
I think that I haven't loved perfectly. My mission in life is to live to love. I do love, but not the kind of love that can cast out fear. I don't love wholeheartedly because of fear. And up to now I'm still scared. But God reminded me today to trust Him. Then I remembered this verse:
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your path."
I am scared to trust people around me even my friends and my family. I feared being hurt in the end so my defense mechanism is to detach myself to people whenever I feel a slightest rejection or pain.
I trust God so much. He is my crying shoulder. He never abandoned me especially when I'm in dire need. He's always there for me. He always makes me feel that I'm welcome to Him anytime. And He told me this morning to learn to trust people that He blessed me with.
This will not be easy for me, but I'm looking forward in perfecting the craft of trusting. I may fail. But today, I'm willing to take the risk. Just please bear with me. :)
