Maldita.

I understand. As much as I want not to, I do. That's why I don't hate you, because if I didn't, I should have hated you. We have different priorities, and as I can see it, I'm not part of yours. Maybe I am, but I think you have a long list and I'm in the last number. Again, I understand. But sometimes, it just scares me. The fear of rejection sinks in again. Yeah, you're not rejecting me. But unconsciously you are. So don't wonder if I chose to spend more time with my friends. It's not that I don't love you but it's because I feel more welcomed when I'm with them (and I know you feel the same way too with your friends). So where do I stand? Nowhere, because I am sitting. Lolz. I understand (and sometimes, I hate that I do.)

And like you, I'm busy. I'm busy making a good career that would be my stepping stone for my future. Oh yes, this will not pay me a lot for now but wait and see. As long as I can, I will hold on to the thin thread that's keeping us together. But honestly, sometimes I feel that I'm already drifting apart, you're walking away too fast that's pulling the thread farther, making it vulnerable. I'm happy because you are happy, but there were times when I wish that I am a part of your happiness. I know I WAS. Sadly, it was in the past.

Sorry but I won't reach out this time. Maldita. I need to protect myself. (ohh pride, I can see you everywhere. Tsk.) I am longing for you but I can't feel any of you. You're too far and I can't reach you. And I think it's enough for me for now that I know that somehow, somewhere in your past, I gave you the sense of fulfillment that no other could give you. I love you, but my love is not perfect. And like what I always do, I'll stand right here where you left me. No pressure, I am not waiting. I'll stand until I know where to go.