Haircut

I could still clearly remember how I cried hard while watching The Proposal last night. I'm not crying because of the movie, I was crying because I'm beginning to regret the things that I've done before. I have my own reasons. I know I have good reasons. But I don't know why a simple joke tore my heart and made me cry bucket of tears. I'm not exaggerating. I even consumed one roll of tissue last night. I know that I cried myself to sleep last night. I can see two puffed red eyes when I look at the mirror. I woke with a heavy heart, still full of regrets. I know I'm not ok but still insisted to go through the day normally.

I exchanged few text messages with friends and I found myself crying again. I didn't expect that this will be a big deal for me. He's right, we already talked and what's more important is now because we can't do anything about the past. But I can't help but to blame myself. And up to now, I am still blaming myself.

I had brunch with Papa and Jem. Jem was sick this morning and I'm suspecting that it is swine flu. But thank God that her fever was gone. Papa told his litany again. I asked few questions that I know offended him so much. He is so defensive. And that conversation added to the heaviness that I'm feeling. Ate called and tried to talk to me. But I don't want to talk about things. I just want to stay quiet and cry if my eyes feel like doing so.

I left home and went to the parlor. Cookie was asking me to do something for Manila Feast. As much as I wanted to help, I didn't. I don't want to stay at home. I want to leave. I want to go away. Our house is not welcoming anymore. I felt like a prisoner. So I went out.

I stayed in the parlor for quite a while. I have my new haircut. It is true, if you're not feeling ok, go to a parlor and have a make-over. I didn't have a full make-over. But my hair was shorter and it felt good. I was able to smile at Ate Weng who cut my hair. Then I went home.

I want to be happy now. But I can't help but feel that there's something negative here at home. I just want to stay here in my room, alone. Not talking with anyone. I don't want anyone to talk with me. I am not ok. But I'm trying to be.

I'm still looking for my rainEbow. I haven't found it yet. But I hope that it'll find me soon. :|

When jokes hit you hard (because it’s true)

Sunday was great but Father's day wasn't. Where's the father's day if you don't have a father to celebrate it with? I still have my tampo with papa. Hay. Lord knows why and I think that my reasons are reasonable. But I'll talk to him maybe later, when I'm back into my bubbly and happy mood.

He joked and I should have laughed at that joke, but instead I signed out and cried. If you've probably seen me now, you'll laugh at me (I'm crying again while I'm typing this K). He shouldn't be blamed, he just told the truth that made me realize that I was and will never be worthy of him.

I'm still looking for the rainEbow. I'll find it soon. =)

 

P.S. Sorry Niki for this sad blog. Just when you told me that you love reading my optimistic blogs, I suddenly blogged this. =p