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I am exploring the possibilities of my E5 and I am hoping to learn that everything I think of doing could be possible. :)

The Beauty of Sisterhood

I've lost my mother 3 years ago, and I hope I won't lose my father soon (because with the rate things are going now...)

I may have cursed them a number of times. I may have wished that I was the only child years back. I may have several petty fights with them over material things. I may have shouted back. I may have taken them for granted. But this day reminded me that no matter how life rejects us and all the people around us leave us, we'll still have each other, forever.

I will always be grateful to have them. <3

Blue Bead.

When it comes to love, nothing else matters. Even a human can fall in love with a fox and make heavens go crazy.

 

Love. A profound word that has been used for years yet not everyone could perfectly grasp.

 

 

PS Koreanovelas never fail to make me cry. Mi-ho and Dae-woong! <3

Smile little one.

I know that behind that smile is a crying heart that wishes to be always understood. You are different. And you don't live to conform with what the world expects from you. You are unique in your own way. Things may not always go the way you planned them, but it's ok. Charge it to experience. Smile genuinely cause your smile could heal many (and also you).

Dive.

I was in the middle of the Hillsong Aftermath concert when never-ending questions pop out from my head.

I was blessed by the concert but unsatisfied at the same time. I felt that I’ve already heard all the things that they’ve said and kept on reminding the people. The concert was for newly renewed Christians. It was for those who are only starting in their faith or those who have strayed.

But how about me? I’ve been serving for years. I’ve been to many “Jesus Encounter”. I’ve already heard a lot of talks which taught me to live according to God’s plan. I’ve already battled with my spiritual dryness several times already. Is this the only thing He wanted me to hear? Why was I in the concert? Why did He allow me to spend that much just to hear the same old things that I was already hearing for years? I am not in my desert anymore. I am happily swimming in my ocean of blessings. Is this everything that I could get?

What was God telling me? Does He want me to go back to basics? Or was He telling me to dive in deeper and not to be content just with what I can see?

Earlier that day, I was happy. I felt that I have loved and was blessed enough by the different people and circumstances that I’ve encountered each day. I felt that everything was falling to its perfect place. And if God would take me at that very moment, I know I was ready to die. But what happened with that happiness? Why did I suddenly feel emptiness?

“GOD is not done yet.”

I’ve got dreams. And I am hoping those dreams where the same dreams that God is dreaming for me. I may not be moved by the exhortations during the worship but I know that my P800 was not a waste. I was not there to go back to basics. He put me there to question Him. I felt that He wanted me to act. It seems like He’s telling me that if I want to get things done, if I want to know the answers to my mind-boggling and life-changing questions, I should take the courage to move and get out from my comfort zone. And He wants me to dive and not just float in His Ocean of blessings.

I am still afraid. I am not yet ready to take my leap of faith. But I know in His perfect time, He’ll give me the courage to walk without turning back. He’ll light the way for opportunities and lead me to where He plans me to be.

My soul is still wandering and looking for the next island that He’ll bless me with. My heart is still full of unanswered questions that I am waiting to be answered. I may be happy and content with everything I already have but He is reminding me now that He is not yet done with me.

I’ll stand with arms high and heart abandoned

In awe of the One who gave it all

I’ll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered

All I am is Yours

Someday...

When I was in 4th year college, I came to point where I wanted to shift and just give up accounting. I chose BSA because I think I was molded to be an accountant even when I was still in gradeschool. I didn't have high grades in my college transcript, preboards or even my board exams (if I'll tell you how I passed, you'll be amazed how prayer changed my thoughts). But still, I managed to pass and find the "dream job" that I was praying for. I am learning and enjoying my work even if for others, it's toxic and tiring (oh yes it is and I've already prepared myself for that ever since).

BUT... I think I can be more than who I am now. I want to do more and not just box myself to where I am now. Surely, earning my CPA license has been one of my greatest dreams when I started college. But having it right now makes me yearn for more knowledge in my chosen field and EVEN BEYOND it. :)

Someday, I'll read this blog wearing a smile and crossing out these dreams (because they already came true)...

• train leaders in LOJ - Youth Missions PICC (I know I can't stay with the youth forever, but I want to leave it with good leaders so that it will continue to grow)
• be fully knowledgeable about the wonders of microsoft programs
• have another license (an additional ",CIA", ",MBA" after my Keren Graine C. Mallari, CPA ^_^)
• work in a company that allows me to earn what I could earn abroad
• send at least 100 kids to college (full scholarship in the top universities in the country)
• have a degree (or just take up few units) in Psychology
• be a better writer (learn the correct grammar)
• have a deeper faith and knowledge about Catholic faith and intercession
• put up my own company wherein I could provide accounting services to my entrepreneur friends
• tour around the world with my loved ones
• have my own family (may be a spiritual or real, i'm open to possibilities)

These dreams will take me years to build. But if God permits, then He'll help me make these happen. :)

Someday...

oh blogger! you're still alive!

I didn't write for 4 months! I almost forgot that I have a blog. :)) But I think I posted some notes in fb. Well I opt to post them on fb so that I could share how God blessed me and how drastically my life has been changed (ok that was an exaggeration). But really, looking back four months ago, I've never felt this FIRED UP but all the more, loved.

There's nothing so much new about me, aside from my new number. But I feel that I'm ever more persevering in sharing God's love especially to the youth. I am surrounded with so much love, God has blessed me with a working environment where I could grow, I am superblessed with all the people who are surrounding me. I am still SINGLE. (lol). But I am perfectly and trulyhappy (I could sing the line "joy unspeakable that won't go away" over and over again). And I know that whatever His plans are, I just need to wait for it, and look forward for it. I am not rushing, I am living life and enjoying every single moment of it.

Every single day is a learning experience. And I am grateful for where I am now.

I've read my previous posts, and I've realized that my wishlist last November just came true (with bonus). :)

Awesomeness! :)

I'm loving every moment of this. And may I be able to share this happiness and love.

PS. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my other dreams. In the future, when I read this blog, I'll just smile because those dreams already came true (if God permits). :)

Maldita.

I understand. As much as I want not to, I do. That's why I don't hate you, because if I didn't, I should have hated you. We have different priorities, and as I can see it, I'm not part of yours. Maybe I am, but I think you have a long list and I'm in the last number. Again, I understand. But sometimes, it just scares me. The fear of rejection sinks in again. Yeah, you're not rejecting me. But unconsciously you are. So don't wonder if I chose to spend more time with my friends. It's not that I don't love you but it's because I feel more welcomed when I'm with them (and I know you feel the same way too with your friends). So where do I stand? Nowhere, because I am sitting. Lolz. I understand (and sometimes, I hate that I do.)

And like you, I'm busy. I'm busy making a good career that would be my stepping stone for my future. Oh yes, this will not pay me a lot for now but wait and see. As long as I can, I will hold on to the thin thread that's keeping us together. But honestly, sometimes I feel that I'm already drifting apart, you're walking away too fast that's pulling the thread farther, making it vulnerable. I'm happy because you are happy, but there were times when I wish that I am a part of your happiness. I know I WAS. Sadly, it was in the past.

Sorry but I won't reach out this time. Maldita. I need to protect myself. (ohh pride, I can see you everywhere. Tsk.) I am longing for you but I can't feel any of you. You're too far and I can't reach you. And I think it's enough for me for now that I know that somehow, somewhere in your past, I gave you the sense of fulfillment that no other could give you. I love you, but my love is not perfect. And like what I always do, I'll stand right here where you left me. No pressure, I am not waiting. I'll stand until I know where to go.

Random

• When the tank is full, where do you think the water will go? – waste.
  
• If the door is locked, no one can enter. – unless someone initiates to find the lock then open the door.
  
• Walking in the park alone is a good therapy. – loner? so what?
  
• Hopping from one mall to another just to reach the van station. –tiring. Malls are filled with too many preoccupied people who always think of money. Tsk.
  
• Pride is something you can't swallow, but you can teach others to chew. :)) (evil grin) – you can chop pride into pieces then allow others to chew it, too evil. Tsk.
  
• How to win the LOTTO Jackpot? – dream of the right combination, then buy your own lotto ticket. O_o
  
• If there's nothing new and everything is old, - invent new things. Be like Einstein for a day.
  
• Astronaut. Outer Space.
  
• When people hide, look for them. –maybe they want to play hide and seek. *(n_n)*
  
• Money. Salary. Job. NEW friends. Busy Season. GREEN PARKS. ^_^
  
• The one. Coming soon in theatres near you.
  
• Non-showbiz, or a rising star may do. Showbiz people are toxic. Gossips will be forever all around. Tsk.
  
• Wish list!!!
  
  • BIBLE.
    
  • GLOBE LINE.
    

• Patience. Understanding. Tantrums. Boom. Deadz. Tsk.
  
• Bed. Pillow. Sleep.
  

 

Sweetest night to you my blog reader. ^_^

I Miss. :(

They say that blogs are for lonely people. And now it got me thinking, am I really lonely? Or I just chose not to tell someone? So why am I blogging it now? I know for a fact that only few people follow and read my blogs. And somehow, this gives me an opportunity to write about how I feel semi-privately.


I don't know why I feel this. Or maybe I do. Minsan talaga, gusto ko itanggi sa sarili ko ang mga bagay na alam ko namang un ang sagot. Crazy keren. Tsk. I am blessed. I know I am and I feel that I am. I am blessed to have a job right after passing the board exams. I am blessed to meet new people and have new friends. I am blessed because I have people around me who see me as their "ate" and heed for my advice. I am blessed with the empowered LOJ-Youth in Feast Manila Bay. I am blessed to be living my life now. I am blessed. They're so much I need to thank God for. I am grateful and I'm happy.

But. I miss…
my SBC friends. SGV is new for me. It is a blessing but sometimes, I feel lonely. Naiinggit ako sa iba kong mga kaofficemates na kasama pa din ang barkada at classmates nila hanggang sa trabaho. Sabay sabay pa rin sila kumakain at palaging nagsasama-sama kapag break. I am friendly. Pero iba kasi sila. Ang hirap sumingit sa ganun. Parang ang dami nilang pinag-uusapan na hindi mo naman alam. Ok lang naman. Pero nakakainggit na may ganun sila. Nakakainggit na may mga kaibigan sila na pwede nilang samahan. Siguro mas namiss ko lang sila nung nakita ko sila nung Friday.


my hs friends. Ever since I started college, I was often the MIA in events. Kahit ung simpleng tambay nga lang, wala ako. Tapos ngayong dapat nagpapakita ako sa kanila, hindi ko pa din magawa. A part of me is somehow scared. Since ang tagal ko na silang hindi nakakasama, parang ang dami ng bago sa kanila na hindi ako basta basta makakarelate. Palagi silang magkakasama, parang mas lumalim na ung samahan nila tapos ako, ganun pa din. Namimiss ko na sila. Pero natatakot din ako na baka pag nakasama ko sila, ma-op ako. Pag nakikita ko mga pictures nila, gusto ko sabihin sa sarili ko na sana andun din ako, na kaclose ko yang mga yan. Pero ngayon, ewan ko ba. It seems like they're different and I'm still stuck with my old self. Well, I love myself and I love who I am. But too bad, it seems like my old self is scared facing the new them.

XJs and my beda "boyfriends". We don't go out often but I miss talking with you. Ung samahan natin, parang hs. Namimiss ko na ung chismisan pag break at pagpapanggap na nag-aaral pero daldalan naman. Namimiss ko tuloy ung review moments. At least dun, kahit papano nakikita ko kayo. Nakakakwentuhan ko kayo. Nakakasama ko kayo. Pero ngayon, wala. I just feel so lonely. Siguro kasi nakikita ko ung iba na kahit papano magkakasama pa din sila. Sila marvin, pwedeng kasama si ekang and lyssa. Si ate ranzel and Darrel magkasama. Sila romeo, crisvi and ate joy. Ako, eto, mag-isa lang. My work is a blessing. Pero nakakamiss. :(

my old CG. I know I have to move on and handle my own CG. But I miss having a mother CG with the youth. Ung member ka lang din. I miss being with my old CG, our monthly meetings and our long talks. They've been a big part of me for the past months and sometimes, I feel that something's missing in me kasi wala na sila. Alam kong pwede ko pa rin naman silang takbuhan. Pero namimiss ko lang talaga na nakakasama sila.


 
my CFs. I miss our long talks and our three way conversations. I miss having you around and disturbing you anytime of the day just to tell a story. I miss talking to both of you. I miss us three. I miss our chismisan. :(


 
Qb. I miss talking to you and I miss you. Ang layo na natin sa isa't isa. Namimiss ko ng kwentuhan ka at itext ka sa mga bagay bagay na nangyayari sa 'kin. Namiss ko na din makwentuhan mo. Some things may not remain the same for now but I really hope that we could catch up soon. Namimiss ko na bestfriend ko. :(


 
my Family Loves. Kanina ko narealize kung gaano na ako kalayo sa inyo. Wala na akong nakakasama sa inyo maliban kay jem. Wala pang nakakausap. Tapos magkakacg pa kayo. Makita ko man kayo sa feast manila, hindi ko naman kayo nakakawentuhan. Hindi naman ako makapuntang pasig dahil sa PICC. Kanina ko narealize na parang ang layo ko na sa inyo. Na oo alam ko namang love niyo ako pero nalulungkot ako kasi wala na akong nakakasama o kahit nakakakwentuhan man lang sa inyo. Buti nga si jem, kahit papano cg niya pa din si daddy pao. Pupunta siya ng pasig tapos ako hindi makakasama. Alam ko naman maraming blessings pero nakakamiss lang. At naiinggit ako. Parang ang dami ng nangyayari na magkakasama kayo tapos ako wala na naman. Nasanay lang din siguro ako na madalas ko kayong nakakasama dati kaya ganito. Tapos hindi ko pa kayo matext. Hindi ako makapaggm. Eh naiintindihan ko naman kung bakit di niyo ako matext. :( nalulungkot lang ako. (at ngayon umiiyak na. haha) pero parang nung kanina, nung nakita kong magkakasama kayo hanggang after ng dance tapos ako hindi naman makakasama, hay nalulungkot ako. :((


 
my Family. First week pa lang sa trabaho, nakikita ko lang sila pag tulog pa sila. Nung isang araw ko lang narealize na hindi ko na sila masyadong nakakausap. Alam ko masaya para sa 'kin si papa at ate pero hindi ko na sila nakakasama. Feeling ko minsan, nasa dorm pa din ako. Si jem pa din ung madalas kong kasama. Eh si papa, busy sa iba. Tapos for sure si ate, magiging busy kay Jerome pagbalik niya. Tapos ako, palaging pagod pag-uwi. Hay. Nalulungkot ako. :((


 
This sad blog has to end, and it ends now.