I could still clearly remember how I cried hard while watching The Proposal last night. I'm not crying because of the movie, I was crying because I'm beginning to regret the things that I've done before. I have my own reasons. I know I have good reasons. But I don't know why a simple joke tore my heart and made me cry bucket of tears. I'm not exaggerating. I even consumed one roll of tissue last night. I know that I cried myself to sleep last night. I can see two puffed red eyes when I look at the mirror. I woke with a heavy heart, still full of regrets. I know I'm not ok but still insisted to go through the day normally.
I exchanged few text messages with friends and I found myself crying again. I didn't expect that this will be a big deal for me. He's right, we already talked and what's more important is now because we can't do anything about the past. But I can't help but to blame myself. And up to now, I am still blaming myself.
I had brunch with Papa and Jem. Jem was sick this morning and I'm suspecting that it is swine flu. But thank God that her fever was gone. Papa told his litany again. I asked few questions that I know offended him so much. He is so defensive. And that conversation added to the heaviness that I'm feeling. Ate called and tried to talk to me. But I don't want to talk about things. I just want to stay quiet and cry if my eyes feel like doing so.
I left home and went to the parlor. Cookie was asking me to do something for Manila Feast. As much as I wanted to help, I didn't. I don't want to stay at home. I want to leave. I want to go away. Our house is not welcoming anymore. I felt like a prisoner. So I went out.
I stayed in the parlor for quite a while. I have my new haircut. It is true, if you're not feeling ok, go to a parlor and have a make-over. I didn't have a full make-over. But my hair was shorter and it felt good. I was able to smile at Ate Weng who cut my hair. Then I went home.
I want to be happy now. But I can't help but feel that there's something negative here at home. I just want to stay here in my room, alone. Not talking with anyone. I don't want anyone to talk with me. I am not ok. But I'm trying to be.
I'm still looking for my rainEbow. I haven't found it yet. But I hope that it'll find me soon. :|
3 comments:
who the hell cut your hair? am I reading it right? hehe. joke lang bf! i miss u bf. come on, cheer up, everything will be just fine. you are a very strong person and I know you'll be able to get through this in time. i'm just here bf just the way you are there for me always. i love u bf!! mwah! i'll be there tomorrow. see u!
what's happening? i need a haircut, too! hahaha. :) text me naman! ang daya!
@bf: ATE WENG cut my hair. hahaha. bitter ka pa din? hay naku kasi, sabi mo matutulog ka sa 'min ngayon tapos wala ka pa din. huhu. epal ojt mo. =( see you in school na lang ba? hay, as if nagkikita tayo palagi. keep in touch!
@nanna: a lot is happening. pero hindi naman siya super malalim. or malalim siya feeling ko lang hindi. pero naapektuhan ako ng ganito. i miss going to the salon with you! gawain natin un before law last year.
I miss having a make-over with you! Malungkot sa parlor mag-isa at nakikinig lang sa chismisan nila. I'm really looking forward to be with you. :)
Post a Comment