It was a long Sunday. And as much as I wanted to write all my thoughts in this blog entry, I don't know if my mind can still contain them by the time I finished writing this. So before they expire, here is a short (hopefully short) story how God revealed Himself to me again today.
The day didn't start the way I planned it. Early in the morning, I was deeply burdened by many factors (which I intend not to disclose in this blog entry) which made me feel helpless, weak and disgusted about myself. I even came to a point where I was already thinking of taking a sabbatical leave from my service, contact no one, and just be quiet for the rest of the week. I already planned on not texting anyone, not attending the music practice and even Feast Manila. I was that down, I just wanted to detach from the world and run to a secret hiding place where I can be alone and just be with myself. I know that my life was filled with love especially for the past week, but I just didn't see myself as a significant being. Don't worry, I don't have suicidal tendencies, I didn't intend to die. I just wanted to be quiet, reflect and cry. At the back of my mind, I was already contemplating why am I so sensitive? Why am I like this? Is it just because of my upcoming visitor? Or is it because of something else? I wanted to cry. I wanted to run away from people so they won't see me crying. But in the end, I found myself helpless, sitting on one of the comfortable chairs in PICC with tears heavily flowing from my eyes.
During the worship, I felt that God was there, looking at me, smiling, waiting for me to dry my tears then hug Him after. He was there telling me "Oi Keren, halika nga dito, umiiyak ka na naman, andito naman Ako." There were fears, I've been crying so much lately and I was really scared, but He was there, reminding me again just to TRUST Him. He was there, reassuring me that my gift is a blessing to others and I should use it and not just keep it to myself, it is a gift meant to be shared.
God even spoke to me during the ministry heads meeting. (Btw, Tito Rolly called me "bunso" when I was about to speak and my heart jumped for joy. :D) He wants to maximize me. He wants to use the total of me to be one of His instruments in leading His youth to Him. He reminded me that I should be more preoccupied by those whom we're trying to reach, that we are in a constant journey of making things better and everything that we have must be intentional. Community is about love, genuine concern for others and allowing them to see God in you. He wants us to be excellent, to do all what is humanly possible so that the Holy Spirit may do what is humanly impossible. He wants me to learn to innovate, to love improvement and to love new things and be reminded that if old things didn't work, then don't continue. He wants me not to be afraid in committing mistakes. He wants me to build relationships, create excellence and show love.
At the end of the day, I found myself happily sitting at the back of the car of the couple who brought my parents to Light of Jesus Community 25 years ago. (Thank you Tito Ed and Chay Santiago for my ride home.)
I am Keren Graine Cañete Mallari, God's strong maiden, ready to fight the demon, willing to shed tears for others, inspired and driven to make the LOJ-Youth Missions a place of excellent love.
I am God's anointed intercessor, I am God's servant, I am God's powerful champion, and because I am blessed and loved, I can bless the world and give love. In Jesus Name.
