formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/kerengraine

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/kerengraine

Hush

It is neither jealousy nor bitterness. It’s just about feeling bad for yourself because you feel so little and not enough because he did not have the courage to stand for you and take the risk while he leaped for the other.

You’re hurting not because of “them” but because of the way you think towards yourself. You don’t have regrets with your decisions because you know that you did what’s best for you. It’s just that you’re hurting and only you could understand; only you could explain.

I feel for you.

One Last....

One last grade and it will be done....

*keeping my fingers crossed*

BUT all the more, keeping the faith stronger than ever.

THIS YEAR IS THE YEAR TO FULFILL MY DREAMS.

I know YOU'LL make them happen. I love You! :D

030910 PAPA read my BLOGS!!!

It was 8 in the morning when I picked up my phone because Ate was calling me. It was unusual. She doesn't usually call me unless she wants to borrow the hair iron again. Then from the other line, I heard:

 
 

Ate: Ke, may problema ka daw ba sabi ni Papa?

Keren: (talking to herself: bakit anong meron?)

Keren: dati meron, ngayon wala. Bakit?

Ate: Eh kasi ung blog mo nabasa ni Papa.

Keren: Huh? Paano? Waaah. (Papa doesn't even know how to open the computer!!!)

Ate: nung nasa bahay siya ng friend niya, sinearch niya ikaw tapos nabasa niya ung blog mo.

Keren: (Devastated.) Hahahaha.

 
 

Papa, if ever you're reading this, hello! :D

 
 

I should be studying now, but since our exam was moved to 2 instead of 1pm, I chose to write because I think I can't contain my thoughts to myself again. Studies show that people who blog are those who are lonely and are not that expressive. I'm not lonely. But I just don't want to talk to someone about random things that's why instead of telling them directly to a person, I just write them. But more than anything, I like to develop my writing skills (if ever I have one) because writing is my waterloo. (this blog will prove that I'm not a good writer. :P Pardon my grammatical errors and scattered thoughts. :D)

 
 

10 minutes left

 
 

I have ten minutes 'til I talk to my calculator and AP notebook again. Since I don't have so much time left, I'll tell my updates in bullet form. :P

• Finals week! I had two exams done, one today and more on the coming days. I studied at Mcdo (3am) (btw, the manager and the crew during the graveyard shift are really hospitable and friendly) this morning then went to mass (7am). :) I gave food to "Tatay" (it never failed to make me feel good and happy) then bought fruits for lunch. I need to learn how to pick the sweet ones. Btw, fruits are expensive! :P
  

   
   

• I didn't attend the youth feast last sun. I saw auntie Gigi again after 15 years then had lunch with the family. I should not have gone to las pinas but my sisters insisted. Instead of having 4hours as my time-off for studying tax, I had 6. I didn't finish studying tax 1. :( but that's ok. At least I had time with my family (the four of us -which is quite unusual nowadays).
  

   
   

• Music min practice last wed. I didn't plan to attend. But because of the frustrating quiz that I had in tax, I chose to attend and didn't answer everyone's text nor calls. I just want to deviate myself from everything. I cried so much. But one good thing happened, at least I learned how to attend mass everyday. (Oops. I forgot to wake up early last Saturday. I missed the morning mass that day. ):D
  

   
   

• OSEB Defense last Friday and I can say that we did great!!! Our spiels during the defense were well-delivered even though we had only almost 3 hours to practice. My officers are great and it was a team effort. I just hope for the best for JPIA. :) I know we did well (that's an understatement).
  

   
   

• Last regular school-Friday is "petiks day". I was in school at 7am for our rehearsal for our defense. As usual, I was the earliest and everyone was late. :P there was no tax2 for that day. And instead of having a lecture in Audit Prob, we just had our grades computed and the rest was "daldalan time". Ate nel, ketts, rjadz and I still have our hangover from the defense during that time. And the four of us passed the midterms in AP!!! :D I prayed for that and I'm blessed that God answered my prayers. :D
  

   
   

• I gained new friends last Friday- the feast manila new youth singers. :D
  

   
   

• I learned how to pray harder. Lord, You're simply awesome. You know why. I love You much! :D
  

   
   

 
 

Four exam days left then deliberation. I still have my facebook fasting 'til the final verdict. But I'll give way to blogging. at least through this, I won't be spending so much time lurking around the internet unlike when I open my FB. :P

 
 

5 minutes extension

 
 

Got to go…

 
 

-done: March 9, 2010

 
 

P.S. I think this will be a late post.

 
 

 
 

 
 

Arggh.

I hate one-sided freaks. Immature. When will you ever learn to listen? Arggh. :(

021410 Happy Love Day! :)

God never failed to surprise those who loves Him.

 
 

Today is love day, a perfect time to show love to others especially to my family. The dinner was…. It was not the best dinner with Papa, Ate and Jem. But I am glad that I was able to celebrate this day with the people who matters most to me. At the end of the night, I began to act childish again. Maybe because I wasn't feeling well. I was feeling a lot of things that I wanted to share with them but I can't and I don't know why. Words just don't come out and I don't think they would understand me. Maybe Mama will, but not them. I felt that they were not in the mood to listen to me. I can't feel that they're ready to hear my sentiments nor understand what I was going through. Even I myself, I don't understand. I just wanted to cry. I just want to pray and cry.

 
 

I am blessed to be a part of the council of the Youth Feast. It was unexpected. It is a blessing and a responsibility. I volunteered for other ministries. But they still assigned me to head intercessory. Honestly, I am really clueless in what I should do. When I received the manual this morning, I already wanted to cry. I don't know why I feel happy but at the same time burdened by the ministry given to me. I am scared. I never thought that this will come now and I don't even have a mentor to really guide me step by step in this task. I am really lost. Maybe because that I didn't expect that I will handle this ministry for real. For years, I already felt that God is leading me in this ministry. Even Mama felt that for me. And because of that, my conviction and desire to grow in this ministry deepen. But how? What should I do? What must I do?

 
 

Our meeting ended at 1:00PM and I got a few notes from Ate Pat on how must I conduct the whole on-site intercession. Then I began to think, am I really needed on Sunday for the music min? I don't want to leave my ministry to anyone on its first day. I know how essential my ministry is and I don't want to miss the opportunity to experience interceding for something. Besides, the rest of the Music Min will be singing already. I am still thinking. But my heart tells me not to leave intercessory this Sunday. This is the real thing. This is not just a mere text-pass ministry, pray for that pray for this ministry. This is the real thing and it overwhelms me. I am thankful that they entrusted me with this. But I'm scared. What if I won't be able to do it? What if something unexpected will happen?

 
 

I am praying that God will bless me with members. I can't do this alone. This is no easy task. After I watched the video, I never thought that this ministry will be a real work. Intercessory doesn't end during the feast. You carry it everyday. You do it everyday. You go beyond your borders. You become unselfish. You become more loving. You become less of you and more of others. You become more prayerful, more than what you were before, more than that what you've expected from yourself.

 
 

And still I don't know why I feel scared. During Tito Obet's worship a while ago and Bro. Michael's exhortation during his talk, I felt that God was really talking to me. Why should I be afraid? what am I afraid of? Then as Tito Bo told us to go over our novena to God's love once again, I saw my 6th dream…

 
 

" Know my core gift and use it for Your ministry. Mature on that gift."

 
 

When I read this, I felt that God was telling me "Keren, what more are you asking for? This is your dream and I planted it in your heart. I touched you and I blessed you. Don't be afraid. I am here with you. You're mom is so proud of you up here. I will never forsake you. I will use you to bless others. I will use to pray for their needs. You are their intercessor. This is your gift, the one you've been praying for. Use it, nurture it. Grow deeper. Love others more. I trust you. And I love you."

 
 

God loves me. And He proved that to me today, on Love day, on Valentine's Day. And I am deeply grateful and blessed. Truly this day is about love. As what Bro. Michael said this afternoon

 
 

"Remember that Jesus didn't die because we are sinful, He died because of His great love for us…"

 
 

God let me experience love today - love from friends and family. He healed me from all my pains and all my hurts and made me feel ok in everything. He loves me and I love Him. And I should continue to love others. I should continue my mission to live to love.

 
 

Happy love day Keren! :)

 
 

 
 

020710 "Stress-Free" or "Stress for Free"

 

Stress
n.

strain felt by somebody: mental, emotional, or physical strain caused, e.g. by anxiety or overwork. It may cause such symptoms as raised blood pressure or depression.

Microsoft® Encarta® 2009. © 1993-2008 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.

 
 

Why would I feel stressed if I haven't started anything yet? Why do I feel like this? I don't feel at ease. I feel burdened. I'm pissed. I'm offended. I'm distressed.

 
 

self·ish [sélfish]

adjective

1.		looking after own desires: concerned with your own interests, needs, and wishes while ignoring those of others
2.		demonstrating selfishness: showing that personal needs and wishes are thought to be more important than those of other people

Microsoft® Encarta® 2009. © 1993-2008 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.

 
 

Selfish. That's how she sees me. I'm not just being selfish when I told her that I'm really using it. It's not hers!!! It was given to her because they broke mine. That was a replacement for me. It's more expensive. But if only she lend it with my permission, then they would not need to replace it and this will not end like this. I'm really pissed with her.

 
 

Am I wrong? am I really selfish? Why wouldn't she buy for herself? She has money anyway. The problem with her is she wouldn't invest on things that will be useful in the future. She would burden others when she could have bought for herself. She will never understand.

 
 

How can I reflect on the gospel if I feel this way? I'm not happy. I feel that I don't deserve the time that You will give to me because I'm not ready to talk with full attention.

 
 

Lord sorry. I know that I should not pray only when I feel like praying, when I feel I need You. But how could I face You this way when my heart is full of hatred? Would they still love me amidst of this? She already judged me. And I don't feel they love me. I don't need those now. The other one thinks that I get more than what I should while the other one thinks that I'm selfish. Will they ever love me?

 
 

I'm proud. I don't want to lower my pride. Arggh. I hate myself. Maybe it will be better tomorrow. Sorry Lord for acting this way.

 
 

I promise to be ok tomorrow. Sorry. I should not have surfed the internet. :( honestly, I always see that it's the devil's way to tempt me to surf instead of studying. :( I hate it. :( I have a choice. I can do this. Lord help. :/

 
 

How can I speak of love if I don't love them enough that I can't sacrifice my own for them? I'm a hypocrite. :( When will it ever occur to me that it should be others first? I am the one wrong here. I just can't accept the fact that I'm pointing my finger towards myself instead of her. I hate this feeling. :(

 
 

Do I need You more now? I just feel I don't deserve Your attention. This is an emotional stress. :( I need to refocus. Haiz.

 
 

In dire need of help….

Keren

Fear

 

 

After praying, bad news came. I need to pray again. I'm so scared. Lord please be with me. :|

020210 No Pain, No Gain

Dearest Lord,

 

I have always prayed for a stress free life; a life without great problems and tragedies; a life to live without worries and fears. And lately, I was victorious about it. Surely, life was not that harsh to me, until today.

 
 

Life was not really harsh, I just realized today that in order to fulfill my dreams, I should remember that I must do everything that I can. I must exert all my efforts and give the best of my abilities. I just realized lately how enthusiastic the people around me to hear that I'll be graduating on April. A part of me is trembling with fear because at the back of my mind, there's an uncertainty whether I would be able to really graduate. But it is true, UNCERTAINTY CREATES HUMILITY. The more I feel the fear, the more I run to You and cling on the hope and desire of my heart that this year will be my year. That whatever plans I have for myself this year, it was You who placed them there and all I have to do is work my ass out, do my part and fulfill my duty as a student and as Your servant. For the past 5 years, You allowed me to experience pain, failure, rejection, hurts. But amidst everything that You allowed me to go through, Your ultimate goal was to make me become who I am today. You surrounded me with a loving family and wonderful friends whose willing to pick me up everytime I fall. You allowed me to have people, and get them from me in the most unexpected moments to make me strong, to make me realize that not everything stays and people will not always stay, they will just pass and try to teach me a lesson that I could never learn if I didn't experience them. You allowed me to lose Mama in the middle of my journey to success to make me trust to You more and to be more persistent to finish college.

 
 

Lord, I don't know what you have for me in the coming days and months. All I know is that deep inside my heart, there is my desire to finish this March and become a CPA on April. The scripture today reminded me that I should need to go through this, that I should learn how to discipline myself so that I may be able to reach my dreams. I know that the coming days wouldn't be easy. It will be full of stress, pressure, deadlines and unwanted circumstances. But You o Lord is my God, the God of impossible and I know that I could trust You. The road to success will never be easy but I know that as long as I have You, as long as I cling on to You, as long as I need You more everyday, I can get through anything. Lord just be with me. I am scared. You know my fears. You know the things that bother me. And whatever I carry in my heart, I just lift everything to You Lord. Continue to bless my life, continue to walk with me every single day. Teach me to trust You more. Teach me be more disciplined. Teach me to be more like You. Just be with me Lord. I love You. Thank You! :)

 
 

Trusting You Always,

Keren