020710 "Stress-Free" or "Stress for Free"

 

Stress
n.

strain felt by somebody: mental, emotional, or physical strain caused, e.g. by anxiety or overwork. It may cause such symptoms as raised blood pressure or depression.

Microsoft® Encarta® 2009. © 1993-2008 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.

 
 

Why would I feel stressed if I haven't started anything yet? Why do I feel like this? I don't feel at ease. I feel burdened. I'm pissed. I'm offended. I'm distressed.

 
 

self·ish [sélfish]

adjective

1.		looking after own desires: concerned with your own interests, needs, and wishes while ignoring those of others
2.		demonstrating selfishness: showing that personal needs and wishes are thought to be more important than those of other people

Microsoft® Encarta® 2009. © 1993-2008 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.

 
 

Selfish. That's how she sees me. I'm not just being selfish when I told her that I'm really using it. It's not hers!!! It was given to her because they broke mine. That was a replacement for me. It's more expensive. But if only she lend it with my permission, then they would not need to replace it and this will not end like this. I'm really pissed with her.

 
 

Am I wrong? am I really selfish? Why wouldn't she buy for herself? She has money anyway. The problem with her is she wouldn't invest on things that will be useful in the future. She would burden others when she could have bought for herself. She will never understand.

 
 

How can I reflect on the gospel if I feel this way? I'm not happy. I feel that I don't deserve the time that You will give to me because I'm not ready to talk with full attention.

 
 

Lord sorry. I know that I should not pray only when I feel like praying, when I feel I need You. But how could I face You this way when my heart is full of hatred? Would they still love me amidst of this? She already judged me. And I don't feel they love me. I don't need those now. The other one thinks that I get more than what I should while the other one thinks that I'm selfish. Will they ever love me?

 
 

I'm proud. I don't want to lower my pride. Arggh. I hate myself. Maybe it will be better tomorrow. Sorry Lord for acting this way.

 
 

I promise to be ok tomorrow. Sorry. I should not have surfed the internet. :( honestly, I always see that it's the devil's way to tempt me to surf instead of studying. :( I hate it. :( I have a choice. I can do this. Lord help. :/

 
 

How can I speak of love if I don't love them enough that I can't sacrifice my own for them? I'm a hypocrite. :( When will it ever occur to me that it should be others first? I am the one wrong here. I just can't accept the fact that I'm pointing my finger towards myself instead of her. I hate this feeling. :(

 
 

Do I need You more now? I just feel I don't deserve Your attention. This is an emotional stress. :( I need to refocus. Haiz.

 
 

In dire need of help….

Keren

Fear

 

 

After praying, bad news came. I need to pray again. I'm so scared. Lord please be with me. :|

020210 No Pain, No Gain

Dearest Lord,

 

I have always prayed for a stress free life; a life without great problems and tragedies; a life to live without worries and fears. And lately, I was victorious about it. Surely, life was not that harsh to me, until today.

 
 

Life was not really harsh, I just realized today that in order to fulfill my dreams, I should remember that I must do everything that I can. I must exert all my efforts and give the best of my abilities. I just realized lately how enthusiastic the people around me to hear that I'll be graduating on April. A part of me is trembling with fear because at the back of my mind, there's an uncertainty whether I would be able to really graduate. But it is true, UNCERTAINTY CREATES HUMILITY. The more I feel the fear, the more I run to You and cling on the hope and desire of my heart that this year will be my year. That whatever plans I have for myself this year, it was You who placed them there and all I have to do is work my ass out, do my part and fulfill my duty as a student and as Your servant. For the past 5 years, You allowed me to experience pain, failure, rejection, hurts. But amidst everything that You allowed me to go through, Your ultimate goal was to make me become who I am today. You surrounded me with a loving family and wonderful friends whose willing to pick me up everytime I fall. You allowed me to have people, and get them from me in the most unexpected moments to make me strong, to make me realize that not everything stays and people will not always stay, they will just pass and try to teach me a lesson that I could never learn if I didn't experience them. You allowed me to lose Mama in the middle of my journey to success to make me trust to You more and to be more persistent to finish college.

 
 

Lord, I don't know what you have for me in the coming days and months. All I know is that deep inside my heart, there is my desire to finish this March and become a CPA on April. The scripture today reminded me that I should need to go through this, that I should learn how to discipline myself so that I may be able to reach my dreams. I know that the coming days wouldn't be easy. It will be full of stress, pressure, deadlines and unwanted circumstances. But You o Lord is my God, the God of impossible and I know that I could trust You. The road to success will never be easy but I know that as long as I have You, as long as I cling on to You, as long as I need You more everyday, I can get through anything. Lord just be with me. I am scared. You know my fears. You know the things that bother me. And whatever I carry in my heart, I just lift everything to You Lord. Continue to bless my life, continue to walk with me every single day. Teach me to trust You more. Teach me be more disciplined. Teach me to be more like You. Just be with me Lord. I love You. Thank You! :)

 
 

Trusting You Always,

Keren

First 2010 School Week

It's been almost a week since school started. New year brought changes…

• New dormmate – Rizajoy Santiago plus Ate Say's Mom (Tita Tess)
  
• New dorm setting – study tables and books rearranged, new bed :D
  
• New study habits (yes, I'm seriously studying now)
  
• No laptop
  
• Unending make up classes
  
• Cooking real food in our room
  
• Friendships revived!
  
• Poor quizzes. L
  
• The final goodbye!
  
• Bigger heart for service! :D
  

 

I'm sleepy now. EK later with the Cañetes. Yey!

Back to School

back to school.
hello dorm.
read books.
answered exams.

very busy first week.
motivation never ends.

This is my year to fulfill my dreams! 2010 is my BIG year! :D

Letting Go and Moving Forward

Now I realize that the main reason why people are scared to let go is that they are just afraid that they will not know themselves anymore because they are also letting go of the person whom they have become.

"It will never be easy to let go of memories, whether good or bad, whether it brought happiness or pain. Your memories become a part of you; they mold you on who you become. Some may want to forget their memories, some hold on to them and live for those memories, but some use them as lessons of what the future may bring if they will still cling to their old habits. It will never be easy to erase memories, because it will never happen. That’s why you call them memories, it is already a part of your brain, and no matter how much you want to forget them, they’ll just stay there, then suddenly remembered when ignited by a certain stimulus." - K.G.M 2009

Whenever you let go, you will be stuck with the same dilemma, how you should forget? What would you do now? You know it will take a while but you want everything to be gone in an instant together with the pain. You don't want to undergo the process, you just want to fast forward everything to the day when no single memory hurt you.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Years may pass 'til you successfully endure the pain.It surely took you a while. After all, there are no shortcuts. But for sure, you're now stronger, wiser, more mature and more ready to face life's challenges in store ahead of you.

Don't forget that because of love you have lived, and because of love, you will live. Still live to love amidst everything.

Welcome 2010!

This is my BIG year. My year to fulfill my dreams and show the world who I can be. More love, more happiness, more accomplishments, more dreams.

Better, brighter, bigger 2010.

The New Year party was fantastic with the Mallaris especially with my terrific 10. Super loved. Superblessed.

Happy New Year!

Simbang Gabi :)

9 Novena Masses, 9 different Churches, 1 prayer, 1 hopeful wish.

A Blessed Christmas!

1 – Abbey of Our Lady of Monserrat (San Beda College, Mendiola, Manila)

2 – St. Jude (Malacañang, Manila)

3 – Congressional Village Church (Project 8, Quezon City)

4 – Immaculate Concepcion (Cubao)

5 – Our Lady of Fatima (Bacood, Manila)

6 – Chapel of Our Miraculous Medal (Manuela 4B, Las Piñas)

7 – Our Lady of Fatima (Las Piñas)

8 – Chapel of the Holy Family (Camella, Las Piñas)

9 – Church of the Gesu (Ateneo De Manila Chapel, Quezon City)

tears

There's a belief that when you have a mole on your face where tears flow, it is 100% certified that you are iyakin. There's also a belief that when your mother cries often while you are still in her womb, you're also going to be iyakin. If these two beliefs are only beliefs, then I believe them.

 

I am a certified iyakin. I cry when I'm happy, sad, frustrated, overwhelmed, blessed, overjoyed, touched. Tears would often show my emotions. My tears are my shelter. My tears are my armor. And I would always thank the Lord for blessing me with tears because they never failed to comfort me.

The BIG revelation

Words are really powerful especially when they're from a person whom you trust. For the past few days, I admit that "his" words had been the center of my thoughts. I don't like to share anymore what "he" told me but I was really disturbed and terrified. But my ever loving Father reminded me tonight that HE is more powerful than anything. HE sent "him" to me just to warn me of the possibilities that may happen if I don't act now. Those are just possibilities. They are not yet realities. And I can still do my part not to make them happen.

It will only take the Feast Manila to make me decide that I WILL NOT GIVE UP MY SERVICE. It will be really challenging on my part but I know that there are other things that I should and I must give up rather than my service. HE doesn't want me to give up my service. I felt HIM when the Feast started. I heard HIM telling me that if I would surrender "other things", I don't need to give up my service and that is what I would do.

All things are possible with God! I believe.

 

Anyway, let me share to you a little of me for the past few days…

November 12, 2009 is the beginning of my last semester in college. (yes, I claim it, this is my last! ^_^) There were not really a lot of changes when it comes to my study habits. The fact that I am always tired from commuting everyday contributed to my laziness and my consistent need for sleep. I DON'T STUDY AT HOME. With all the activities lined up at the beginning of the semester, I wasn't really focused in studying. I was too focused with JPIA to the point that I can choose it over my studies. But I must not.

November 30, 2009 is the beginning of a new Keren. God blessed me with a dorm where I can really concentrate and rest. God provided me with a roommate who is very diligent. God supplied me with all the necessities and I need. And all I need to do now is to study, do my part, and have faith. I am praying for my miracle, and on this day, I PROMISE to do my share then let God do the rest.

God is with me. Mama is interceding for me.

 

It's been 5 days now since we last talked. It feels different. And I would not deny that a part of me misses him a lot. But this is what I have to do so I could fully heal. I love him. And I don't know when I would stop. All I have to do now is stop expecting and focus more on graduating. If he's really for me, I know that God will have HIS way to give us the perfect timing. I could still remember that I would always pray to God that "Lord, kung para siya sa 'kin, ibigay niyo po siya. Pero kung hindi talaga, wag niyo na lang siyang ibigay." Too many deadlines already lapsed and I am still here hoping that maybe, it's just not yet the right time. But I know that time will come that I will no longer hope because I already accepted that it was a NO after all this time. :)